The Electric Woman By Tessa Fontaine

text by Tessa Fontaine

 

Dr. Frankenstein holds the hammer. He has the metal moon of a nail’s head protruding from his nostril, which he taps in a little deeper. The flat head rests one inch out from the entry to his cavity, the metal flaring the soft nostril tissue wide. With the hammer’s forked prongs, he hooks and slowly pulls out the nail. It glistens. Only the audience members right up front can see the sheen of snot coating the nail, but the rest are practiced in the art of imagination.

            “You want more?” he asks the audience.

            “Yeah!” they yell.

            “You’re sick,” he says, pounding the nail in to his nostril one more time, bowing a little with the nail inside so they can see that he is filled up, that he is real, that they may now applaud.         We are at the Wisconsin state fair, three months in to the sideshow season. Our girl, me, Tessa Fontaine, is behind Dr. Frankenstein’s curtain, down five stairs and staring out at the neighboring Crazy Mouse roller coaster, her heels sinking slightly into the softening grass. It has just started to rain. She listens for screams.

            She is the electric woman.

            “It’s entirely safe,” the Boss had said as he showed her the electric chair a few days earlier. “You won’t feel a thing. We used to have the girl light a cigarette off her body, and you won’t even have to do that. Health nuts these days.”

            Our girl nodded, always perfecting her fearlessness, the nod of the act of fearlessness.

She sees the flash of a child’s face in the front seat of the Crazy Mouse stilled in panic, snot and tears, hair plastered to his head from the rain like a useless helmet. The delight of terror. There she goes, up the first of five steps up to the stage. Rain makes a soft hush outside.

            “The only problem with the electric chair,” the Boss had said, “is when it’s raining outside.”

            “What happens then?” our girl, you, asked.

“Usually nothing,” he said. “If it’s flooding, we’ll cut the electric chair act. If it’s just raining, there can be some small surprises.”

            “Shocks?”

            “Little ones. But they don’t feel like you think they would. They’re soft.”

            You take the second and third step up the stage, hear the dim plops of rain hitting the vinyl tent, hear Dr. Frankenstein say, “This next act will also take place on this stage, where you see this fine and most unique piece of furniture. Every prisoner on every death row affectionately calls this thing Sparky.”

            You take the fourth and fifth step as you hear, “Let’s welcome Miss. Electra,” and part the curtain like this moment is your nineteenth rebirth of the day.

Scattered applause.

             The vinyl curtain has fallen closed behind you, our girl, and now you stand beside Dr. Frankenstein, forty or so people looking back and forth between you two, a handful looking at their phones, looking at the freakatorium across the tent. One is asleep in a stroller. One is crying.

            Over 8 million bolts of lightning strike the earth each day. There’s so much wattage out and above. “Do you know who invented the electric chair?” Dr. Frankenstein asks the audience. Silence. The big chair sits on stage, suggestive. “Thomas Alba Edison. Do you know how many are still in use? Forty-seven.”

            Electra, you are smiling with one eyebrow arched. You know this game. You know they know that you are about to be filled with something that can kill you. Why does this turn them on? You stand with your legs parted.

            “I wonder,” you had asked the Boss when he first showed you the chair, “if there’s any chance the electricity might stay inside you?”

            “You won’t become your act,” he said.

            Did you mind if you did? What was better, to be safe or to be special?

            “Let’s flip the juice,” Dr. Frankenstein says. I step forward, swinging my hips, wink, take four sideways steps, hinge and sit down on the electric chair on top of my flattened palm. I adjust my angle so I look like a sunbather on a ship’s chaise. My palm’s skin against the metal plate beneath me acts as a direct conduit for the electricity, might be warm and buzzing. New audience members duck into the tent and shake their wet umbrellas into the grass. Rub their eyes like cartoons.

            The rain continues outside.

            He flips the switch.

            I’m electric.

            “Will this hurt?” I’d asked Dr. Frankenstein the first time I sat down in the chair.

            “Pain is entirely mental,” he said.

At night, from space, all that is clear is the earth’s electricity. We are glowing cities. The show runs for thirty minutes, act to act, back to back, each new, identical show starting exactly at the moment the previous show ends, city after city after city.

            “Now watch Ms. Electra illuminate this bulb with the very tippy top of her little head,” Dr. Frankenstein says as he brushes the glass across my forehead. My face goes erect in tiny mountains as the glass slides across my skin. Not pain, exactly, but a sharp flick that translates internally instead of externally, a pinch that makes me feel very awake and sit up a little straighter, force my sit bones down a little firmer against my hand to be sure my full flat palm is connecting with the metal plate, soaking up every electron that is pumping into my body. I don’t exhale any of it out.

            Why didn’t she call the act off?

            Why didn’t you even call your boss out of his trailer to show him the rain?

Dr. Frankenstein walks across the stage, a voice screams outside, and I put the light bulb I’d been hiding in my shorts into my mouth. Press my tongue against the ceramic insulator, around the base, my teeth clamping around the fuse. Would it be so bad to become all the way electric? I know this may not make sense, but the rules of physics and fantasy were performed away on those stages.

Can you sell a story for that long and not believe the story a little yourself?

            My tongue connects and my mouth fills with static and my teeth shake in their skin clamps and a small peal of blood, no, water, grows from the side of the tent onto the stage and I hold the light bulb in my mouth, lighting it up bright, feeling the tickle of something great passing through me.

            Can you imagine what it feels like?

            Here’s another scene: a beach at dusk, cold wind, reeds bending sideways. A girl, me, 8 or 9, sitting on a picnic blanket beside her mother. The mother is facing the ocean. Her face is turned up to the sky where the purples are moving in, eyes closed, making herself into a painting that she might recreate later. There is electricity brewing in the sky, potential energy collecting behind the purple clouds. This is 16 or 17 years before the mother’s brain will be flooded with blood and she will no longer be able to walk or talk or know the daughter anymore, does she know the daughter anymore? The ocean has trails of thin white foam like fat through a steak and the sand lifts in thin small gusts by wind.

            “Do you feel that?” the mother asked, her eyes closed and facing the water. “Close your eyes. You can feel more.”

            I closed my eyes. Waited to feel more.

            “Mmmmmm,” she said.

             “What? Where?” I waited. Peeked over at her, and there was some sort of private smile across her mouth I’d never seen before and it scared me a little. I tried again, but I must have been doing it wrong.

             She was right beside me, we were in the same wind and our skin was stung by the same sand and she was also elsewhere, feeling more. I wondered for the first time what it meant to be living side by side with a person you loved, but also living in separate universes.

             The seagulls walked in slow circles on the beach and moved toward us like predators and the mother thought nothing of being wrapped in an old, torn coat that smelled of sweat and campfire, thought nothing of peeing mostly in view, waving and smiling as she walked away from where I sat. She winked at me and then walked off alone down the beach, turned to wave once but then walked further and further until her size was halfed and halfed again, a retreating body meeting the last light on the ocean. What I’m saying is that she already knew how to travel away. I had already lost her. I had never had her.

           The evening drops its yellow ball straight ahead. Dim stars behind already. The cold wind and the cold salt smell. I imagine that the mother sees herself swimming to the next coast. How it would feel to be inside that Pacific water for days or weeks. How far she would go.

            What I’m saying is, of all the things that happened later, of losing her, and getting her back, and then trying and failing and trying again to learn who this new, tender person was, there was this one moment on a beach with electricity overhead and a woman feeling things I could not feel. An impossible beauty. A person who I did not possess, who did not possess me, walking slowly down the cold beach, touching things I couldn’t see on the sand. I only knew her a little at that moment. I wasn’t part of the multitude she was experiencing, her ocean, her sand, her crabs, her shells, her memories of a time, perhaps before I was born, her fears, all that electricity humming its perfect, separate self. How would I ever be able to find that kind of humming?

            Where would I have to go to be filled with that electricity? 


Tessa Fontaine ran away with a circus sideshow. More essays about that adventure can be found at The Rumpus, and one recently won the 2016 AWP Intro Journals Prize in Nonfiction. Other recent work appears in Creative Nonfiction, The Normal School, Seneca Review, DIAGRAM, and more. Tessa lives in Salt Lake City, where she chases her dog as he chases snakes, and is a PhD student in prose at the University of Utah. Find more work at on her website


An Excerpt From Matthew Binder's Debut Novel "High In the Streets"

 

          There is a neatly folded blanket and pillow for me on the couch. I lift the pillow to my face and give it a sniff. Remnants of Frannie’s vanilla-scented shampoo cling to its case. A wave of gut-wrenching emotion passes through me, and I stand there crippled by a combination of tenderness and confusion. I walk from the living room to the kitchen in a daze. It’s a struggle just to place one foot in front of the other. I pour myself a whiskey and drink it down. It doesn’t feel sufficient, so I pour another and then another and another and so on.

          I awake in the morning with Frannie standing over me. She’s speaking to me, but I don’t understand any of her words. My head is dull and pulsing, and my body is shaking violently. There is a small puddle of blood all around me, and the ground is littered with flower petals. I wonder what has happened: Am I injured? Is Frannie trying to kill me? Did I attempt suicide?

         I struggle to my feet. Every glass, vase, bottle, and shoe in the house is spread out across the kitchen, overflowing with haphazardly arranged bouquets of both exotic and regional flowers. I turn myself around in a circle to take in the sight. It’s the single greatest bounty of pinks and reds and blues and yellows I’ve ever seen.

          “Is this your idea of an apology?” Frannie asks.

         “Do you love it?”

          “You’re impossible,” she says, pointing her finger toward the front door. “You need to go outside. The police are waiting to speak to you.”

         “The police?” I ask. “What for?”

         “Go find out for yourself,” she says.

          It’s a terrible struggle to walk. My limbs aren’t under the control of my central nervous system. The legs keep splaying out to the side, and I can’t manage to coordinate which arm is supposed to swing forward with each step. I stumble from one support object to another. At the front door I’m greeted by two lawmen. One is old and grey and grossly pot-bellied. The other is fresh-faced, with very closely cropped hair and an imperious look in his eyes.

         “Good morning, officers. What can I do for you today?”

          “You the home owner, sir?” the fresh-faced cop says.

          “Yes, officer.”

         The older cop looks at me questioningly. “We’ve had complaints from several of your neighbors that their gardens were ransacked during the night. We came out to investigate, and it seems every house within a half-mile radius has been affected but yours. You know why that might be?”

          I glance over my shoulder, back into the house. There are several conspicuously ill-placed flower adornments positioned on the ground in the foyer. I step outside and close the door.

         “I don’t know anything about that. That certainly is odd, though.”

         “Come see for yourself,” the younger officer says, holding his hand over his eyes to shield the sun, looking out toward the closest neighbors’ front yard. “The Millers’ prize rose bushes are in ruins.”

         “Hmm…” is all I manage.

         “And over there,” he says, pointing in the opposite direction. “The MacGregors are devastated over the loss of their hydrangeas.”

         “They had quite the botanical wonderland over there.”

         “So you don’t have any theories on why someone would destroy all the gardens of all the homes around you, but spare yours?”

         An intense bout of nauseas strikes me, and I vomit at everyone’s feet. The fresh-faced cop reaches for his gun and the fat cop rushes between us. “Take a walk,” he says to the younger cop.

         “I’m sorry, officer…” I squint to read the fat cop’s nametag, “Boyles. I’ve been sick as a dog all morning.”

         “You mind if we take a look inside?”

         “In my house?” I say. “Of course I mind!”

          The cop moves closer to the front door. “Sir, if you have nothing to hide, there shouldn’t be any reason for you not to let us in.”

          I move between the door and the cop. “I know my rights,” I say. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a very busy day ahead of me.”

         “This isn’t over. Someone must be held accountable for the damages.”

         I open the door enough to slip inside and then poke my head back out. “I hope you catch your crook, gentlemen, but I really must be going.”

         I move from window to window inside the house, drawing the curtains shut. Peering out, I can see the two men arguing. There is a lot of gesticulation with the hands, culminating in the fatter cop reaching out and removing the gun from the fresh-faced cop’s holster. Finally they get back in their squad car and leave the premises.

         Frannie is waiting for me in the kitchen. She’s got the sternest of faces on. I’m feeling positively jubilant about my victory over the police.

        “You don’t really think you’re going to get away with this?” she says.

          I plant a kiss on her mouth, and she bristles. “Those guys aren’t going to do anything.”

         I keep attempting to get close to her but she rebuffs my advances, using the classic football stiff-arm technique. “You really think you outsmarted them?”

         “If those men had any intelligence at all, they wouldn’t be police officers.”

         Frannie’s face softens and then in an empty, hollow voice she says, “You’re already in enough trouble. Why would you do something so foolish?”

          “You don’t think it was a romantic gesture?”

          “You destroyed thousands of dollars’ worth of people’s property.”

         “I did it for you.”

          “You need to get rid of all these flowers.”

         “Get rid of them?”

         She picks up a wine bottle I’ve stuffed with tulips. “Have you noticed all the bees flying around the house?”

         I listen carefully and my ears detect the ominous drone of buzzing. 


Click here to preorder "High In The Streets," which will be released April 29, 2016 on the Roundfire Books imprint. Follow Autre on Instagram: @AUTREMAGAZINE


[Non-Fiction] When I’m Not Checking the Clock, I Know My Time is Worth Something

When I'm Not Checking the Clock, I Know My Time Is Worth Something

by Max Barrie

 

I can’t believe I waited ’til I was 10 years old to start smoking cigarettes.  I think I set out in search of a pack when I was seven and it took me three years to find one.

I grew up in Beverly Hills in the 80’s— so naturally I assumed everybody was Jewish and worked in show-business.  I lived in a safe little bubble on San Ysidro, across the street from Fred Astaire.  But when my younger sister was born we moved to a larger home in the flats.  That’s when school began and my childhood slipped away.  I was five.

I wasn’t beaten, molested, neglected or abused in any way.  So why is this brat complaining?  I’ve been told that childhood ends the moment you become aware of your own mortality… but I think my childhood started to dissipate on the playground.  SCHOOL— talk about the absolute worst and probably most accurate introduction to life. 

Grownups used to always tell me to enjoy my time as a kid because being an adult meant the fun was over.  When I heard this repeatedly during the single digit days, I didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about.  If this “kid thing” was supposed to be fun, then when I’m older I’d probably need to inject Dilaudid into my neck vein.  Never went there, but in 2010 I tried smoking Oxycontin to cure the common cold.  It actually helped.

I’m not saying I have the answers to a happy healthy childhood for future generations.  If I knew shit, I wouldn’t be sitting in it at this moment.  But I know that there’s something very wrong with a little kid being dropped into a daily situation where he can’t win.

K-5TH 

Eventually morning birds chirping meant war.  I was usually cold, tired, hungry… then soon forced to retain both useless and useful information for hours.  None of which stuck anyway.  I would be ignored by adults, teased by my peers, scolded for day-dreaming, and regularly forced to hold in my urine.  Then around noon I’d scarf down a soggy sandwich and wash it away with a warm Capri-Sun… until the loud bell rang— declaring it was time for three more hours of Chinese water torture.  In the film Risky Business— Tom Cruise is watching the clock in his high school class, and time is going by so slowly that he actually sees the clock tick backwards. Most of my childhood was spent watching clocks. When can I pee?  When can I eat?  When can I go home?  Time to wake up, time to go to bed, time to do this, go here, come back, sit down, stand up… by second grade I was so spun out that I suffered from hypochondria and constipation.  My Mrs. Gooch’s obsessed mother had the nanny feed me a steady diet of mineral oil… which unfortunately started leaking out of my ass during social studies.  I’d have to run to the bathroom (without asking), barricade myself in a stall, toss my shit-stained Underoos, wash myself with powdered hand soap, and then freeball it back to class in my sweats.  If more oil leaked out of my ass that day everyone would know.  So I clenched my cheeks together until the final bell because one wet fart and life would be even more unbearable.


"Do you think I’m a snooty gay puss? I am. I basically grew up with a silver spoon full of mineral oil in my mouth. I certainly got everything I wanted, but I’m not sure I had everything I needed."


During school I was picked on, picked last, and never picked for anything good.  Then after seven or eight hours of this horse shit, they’d give you more work to take home.  Are adults really this clueless?  I don’t think they’re malicious, but I do recall Ally Sheedy's line in The Breakfast Club— “When you grow up, your heart dies.”  She wasn’t wrong… and for me it started with The Pledge of Allegiance.  The little computer between my ears was being programmed five days a week to fear and lose faith.  Also— when you’re a kid, the days don’t fly by like they do now.  Remember?  You don’t just wake up, do a few things and suddenly it’s sundown.  This is all new stuff that we’re absorbing and eight hours seems like a week.

Do you think I’m a snooty gay puss? I am. I basically grew up with a silver spoon full of mineral oil in my mouth. I certainly got everything I wanted, but I’m not sure I had everything I needed.  How do you concentrate when you’re tired and twisted up like a pretzel by 8:00am?  How can a four foot tall kid shoot hoops at 9:00am with the sun blaring in his tiny Jewish eyes?  Suck my cock, Coach… thanks, get the balls too… atta boy.

In 1990 my brilliant father - who IS TRULY BRILLIANT - but also unaware, sends me to summer camp.  He thinks it’ll be FUN for me because it was fun for him back during doo-wop.  Yeah.  So school finally lets out… I can exhale… and days later I’m woken up at 7:00am, the birds are chirping— it’s freezing and a big noisy bus picks me up and shuttles me off to the woods with people I’ve never fuckin’ met.  I’m like eight years old.  This sounds like the beginning of a horror movie.  So I refused to go back to camp after a day or two and my Dad was heartbroken.  He was out seven-hundred bucks, and couldn’t understand what was wrong with his unusual son that didn’t like waking up early and doing arts and crafts in the bushes.  Twenty-five years later nothing has changed.

$$$

These days my Brentwood shrink tells me I’m trying to win back my childhood, instead of mourning the loss in a healthy way.  She says I’m stuck— and thats why I refuse to get a job and continue to bum around tinseltown like Peter Pan in those delightful green tights.  She says my being sober isn’t enough and that my parents are enablers.  I don’t think she’s wrong, but I’m not sure I give a shit.

Grownups were in fact right about the fun being over.  Except with me, there was never any fun to begin with.  After high school - where I was basically a pill popping undesirable puppet for four years - I barely graduated and soon left for college.  When I got there, I discovered that the chirping birds had been tipped off… and now I had two roommates and lived in a broom closet.

After quitting college and winning my father’s heart yet again, I worked for about ten years on and off in LA.  Different gigs… mostly entry level jobs in television.  Anyway, I soon realize that I’m still in hell, just on a different floor.  Every day at work I had deja vu.  I had been there or somewhere like it, I knew these people— this reminded me of that.  Like in Groundhog’s Day, I could practically hear “I Got You Babe” when my alarm went off in the morning.

Now at nearly thirty-three years old, after cracking up a multitude of times - hospitals, rubber rooms, rehabs - I’m attempting to live a more “peaceful” existence in my estimation.  I reside in a halfway house… ok, it already sounds awful… and it is, but it’s not completely fucked.  I paint and I write and I sleep in.  Every morning I snort coffee and Prozac for breakfast, then I wander the aisles at Ralph’s, and twice a week I complain to my therapist about being a snooty gay puss.  I even bought a white noise machine at Brookstone to drown out those chirping birds.

My family and “friends” believe I’ve given up on life, but I don’t exactly see it that way.  I feel like I did twenty tours of duty and now it’s time to come home… wherever that is.  I don’t live like the Prince of Persia on the blue bayou, but I avoid going back into battle and being on the clock.  These days I’m well rested… which I didn’t know was an option.  I can eat when I want to, I can shit when I need to… I take my fuckin’ time in the shower.  I even quit driving, which in Cost Angeles probably added ten years to my lifespan.  I like the volume low.  But most people write me off as this mentally unstable sugar baby— another tragic tale of of wasted youth.

For me there might not be a way to beat the video game of life.  Maybe I missed the warp zone or didn’t catch the golden twat when it flew past my head?  It seems like whether I’m at school or work or jobless or drunk or sober or single or dating or driving or walking, it doesn’t really matter.  I’m always somehow not doing “it” right, and everybody else knows better.  We readily accept the reality we’re presented with, but does that make it absolute?  Aside from day and night, don’t we basically make everything up.  I value my version of peace in life… and I suppose if I’m viewed as bum, I can live with that.  It’s better than watching the clock day in and day out.

When Billy Joel was masterfully interviewed by Howard Stern a few years back, he talked about collaborating with Paul McCartney at his home in New York.  Howard asked Billy if he ever critiqued McCartney or told him something wasn’t good?  Billy Joel said no because if he himself doesn’t agree with something musically, it’s just not his taste.


Max Barrie is a writer and artist currently based in Los Angeles. The son of screenwriters, Michael Barrie and Sally Robinson, Max was born and raised in Beverly Hills, California. With acerbic wit and self deprecating humor, Max documents his life growing up in the shallow, superficial depths of Beverly Hills and the Hollywood machine. In his multiple part autobiographical series, entitled A Trendy Tragedy, Max will explore his bouts with addiction, prostitution and his search for identity in a landscape that is rife with temptation and false ideals. 

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Goldbricks by Robert Lopez

 

Text by Robert Lopez

 

We are in a boat but there’s no captain, no crew of any kind. I do know bow and stern and starboard and port and I know the hull and that the captain always goes down with his ship but you have to know navigation to be a captain and I don’t know navigation. I couldn’t navigate a toy boat from one side of a bathtub to another. I have no sense of direction other than everything is always going to hell. You don’t have to study navigation at the naval academy or own a compass to know this much about the world, to know where everything is always going. I’ve never owned a compass myself but my father did once. He never let me touch it, said I wasn’t responsible enough. I lost his pocket-watch is why he said this about me, why he never let me touch the compass. He said he hated my guts because I lost his pocket-watch and that I’d rue the day. I never did rue any of the days but I always regretted losing my father’s pocket-watch, which turned out was given him by his grandfather who fought in the great war. He said that his grandfather held onto that watch through many a hard fought battle and it was good luck and a family heirloom. He said that watch survived the Germans and mustard gas but couldn’t last five minutes in my feckless hands. I didn’t know what feckless meant back then and I still don’t think I know what it means, but I used to look at my hands to try and figure it out. My hands are small and smooth and offer no clues. My father said I was delicate, called me a daisy. I don’t think my father ever had anything good to say about me, at least not after the pocket-watch. I’m not sure how I lost that pocket-watch but I’ve always suspected my brother stole it. My brother was no good and a common criminal but even still he always outsmarted me. I think my brother is in prison now, which probably serves him right. I heard from some relative that he tried robbing a liquor store but it didn’t work out, that his accomplice gave him up during questioning. It seems right to me because our father gave up on both of us long ago and my brother and I gave up on each other shortly after that. Our father always wanted the two of us to enlist but neither of us ever did. This is another thing I regret. I think I would’ve done well in the service. I’d probably have joined the army because I don’t much care for water. This is another reason I’m no captain. I’m probably not qualified to be a crew member, either. I don’t know what the crew is responsible for on a boat, but one assumes it’s the grunt work. Toting barges, lifting bales, things of this nature.  I’ve never been good at anything physical. I can’t even mop a floor properly. I always leave swaths of floor streaked and un-mopped. Our father used to admonish me for mopping the floor this way. It was the same whenever I mowed the lawn, which was only that one time. My father came outside and said this is what you get when you ask a daisy to mow a lawn. He was referring to certain lanes where the grass was still knee-high. This is why I’d do better as a field general behind the front lines or in front of them, drawing up battle plans on a blackboard, barking orders to subordinates. I suppose field generals are out there in the field, though, inside tanks, looking through periscopes, but I don’t know if they have periscopes in tanks. Surely there are periscopes in submarines, but probably not tanks. I have no idea how they see from inside a tank. I don’t know how they can steer from inside a tank or how they know where to aim the cannon. I don’t even know if that’s what they call the guns that sit atop tanks. To me it looks like a cannon but I’ve never seen a cannon in real life so I don’t know what one actually looks like. Another thing I don’t know is if they had tanks during the great war or if my father’s grandfather ever rode in one. The only thing my father told us about his grandfather was that he fought in the great war and had a lucky pocket-watch. My brother said that our father made up these stories about his grandfather, that he never did fight in any war, let alone a great one. He said our father probably bought that watch in a pawn shop. I almost felt like arguing with him, but realized I agreed with him. I’m not sure how many people ride in a tank though I’m guessing there has to be at least two, one to steer and the other to shoot. I’d probably want to do both, but not at the same time. It would be too much to do both at the same time. My father always told me that I had to concentrate on what was right in front of me, the floor, for instance. He wanted to know what kind of daisy couldn’t mop a floor properly. He would grab me by the scruff of the neck and point my head toward what I’d done or left undone. He would say, look at this, Daisy, are you blind or something. Not long after this my brother started calling me Daisy and it got so that everyone started calling me Daisy. I didn’t mind it then and I still don’t. I might be the only full grown man in the world called Daisy. Not every man has that kind of distinction, being one of a kind. I try to think about this whenever I have a job to do, concentrating on what’s right in front of me. I remember my father showing us how to make French toast step by step as an example of doing this, from cracking the eggs to pouring the milk to sprinkling the cinnamon and vanilla and the rest. He said you can’t think about the vanilla until it’s time for the vanilla. He said this is what it takes to be a man, to be a leader. It’d be the same with the tank. One drives while the other shoots. There’s a division of labor. I think it would be nice to take turns so that on some days you are driving the tank and on others you are shooting the gun but I’m not sure if that’s how they work it. There is no cannon on this boat, which is just as well. I’m not sure who we’d be expected to shoot if there were a cannon on board. There’s no captain to tell us where to steer or shoot, which is something I think I’ve already said. This is something I do from time to time, repeat myself. My father used to hate this about me. He used to ask what was wrong with me. I’d ask him to be more specific. He took me to the doctor once but they told him they couldn’t find anything terribly wrong, no more than anyone else. They said something about a vitamin deficiency, but my father scoffed at that. He called them a bunch of quacks, said vitamins can’t help daisies. If you ask me I don’t think I’ve ever had a vitamin deficiency, though I do think something isn’t right. I’ve always had a hard time remembering facts, names and dates, what happened and in what sequence along with concentrating on what’s in front of me. Maybe everyone has these problems. Maybe everyone has a hard time remembering things but they’re better at pretending otherwise. There are planes flying overhead. This is what’s currently in front of me and I don’t have to pretend otherwise. Perhaps if there was a captain or a cannon we’d be instructed to shoot at the planes. I have never once been on a plane but when I was a child I thought I’d grow up to be a pilot. I thought it’d be a good job to have but it turns out I can’t see out of my left eye and they won’t let you fly a plane if you’re half blind like that. I found out I was half blind after my father took me back to the doctor and insisted they were mistaken the first time, that there had to be something wrong. I didn’t realize I couldn’t see out of my left eye until they told me. I can’t remember what my father said when they told him I couldn’t see out of my left eye, but he probably said something like it figures. So this is how my career as a pilot ended before it even began. I didn’t have to fill out an application or sit through any interviews to know that much. My brother and I sometimes pretended to fill out applications whenever our father told us to go out and get a job. He called us free-loaders and goldbricks and said we were good for nothing which was only true if you looked at it a certain way. So my brother and I would run out to the other side of town during working hours so that we could come back and say we’d pounded the pavement but came up short. This was right before my brother turned to a life of crime, I think. Maybe he’d already committed a few crimes by then, but I’m sure they were petty. My brother was always a nickel and dime operation. It wasn’t long after whatever happened next that our father disowned both of us and everyone went their separate ways. My brother’s name is Omar so you knew it was hopeless right from the start. No one named Omar ever amounted to anything. I’m not sure why our father named him Omar but that’s what he named him. One of our relatives said my father’s grandfather was named Omar but we never heard this from our father. I don’t think anyone on this boat is named Omar. I haven’t heard anyone get called Omar and no one here looks like an Omar, but neither did my brother, so that means nothing. The passenger next to me has his hands in his pockets like my father always used to do on account of his arthritis. This is why he said he couldn’t enlist himself, he said he was 4-F, which is another thing he never explained to us. I used to wonder if his hands were feckless, too, but his hands weren’t at all like mine. They were bent and crooked and had lines shooting out in all directions. He’d point a bony finger and wag it at me whenever he was explaining how to concentrate on what’s in front of you. He’d even make up signals for me to do certain things around the house but I never understood them. This is another reason I’m no captain or crewman. I’m no good at signals and you have to be if you want to be a captain or crewman. You have to know how to send a distress signal and you have to know Morse code. If the boat starts sinking I hope someone knows how to send out a distress signal, but it probably won’t matter. We’ve been sailing for hours and I’m sure there’s no one around to save us if it comes to that. I’m sure I’d drown before help arrived as I don’t know how to swim. There are life preservers tied to the rails here, but that’s usually for decoration or to trick people into thinking there’s hope. I don’t know these other people in the boat with me, but they seem fine. I’m not particular about who it is I drown with. I guess my brother wasn’t particular about who he robbed liquor stores with, either, which feels like the bigger mistake. My brother did ask me to pull a job with him once and I agreed to it initially but then feigned a stomach flu when it came go time. My brother said it was only nerves and I had to buck up from the other side of the bathroom door. He said, be a man, Daisy. I told him some other time maybe. This is when he said our father was right and that I was good for nothing. I’m not sure if he tried to pull that job without me, but he was gone in the morning. My father didn’t even notice until the following week when he asked me where my good for nothing brother was. I told him Omar enlisted and was at basic training. My father laughed in my face, said that was a good one, Daisy. He was in the living room when he said that, wearing a bathrobe and drinking a beer. Turns out that was the last thing my father said to me in person so maybe I was wrong about him not ever saying anything good. He sent me a postcard a year or two later, told me to concentrate on whatever was right in front of me. The postcard was sent from some city in Texas I’d never heard of and it made me think that maybe Omar was there, too. I don’t think he was, though, and I haven’t thought too much about Omar since. I do wonder what prison Omar is in from time to time and what would happen if I were to visit him. I wouldn’t have much to tell him myself, not that he’d ask. I suppose I’d tell him that I’ve done okay for myself, that I’ve managed to feed and clothe myself most of the time and even had a girlfriend once. But that probably won’t ever happen and what’s in front of me is an everywhere sky and the open sea. The boat is big enough so that you can stand up and walk around and so this is what I do. I look at the other people on the boat and I am not impressed. They are a collection of misfits and goldbricks and if I have to drown with these people then so be it. I spot a young man who looks like he thinks he’s in charge, that he can save us. I see him gesturing and pointing. The people around him are paying attention. They seem ready to follow his orders and it looks like they think we might make it out of this if everyone does his part. This is when I go up to the young man and say, you don’t have a brother named, Omar, do you. He tries to sidestep me but I maneuver in front of him. I do this like I expected him to move to his right, which I think I did. There is something about this young man that says he moves right whenever he is cornered or confused. My own brother Omar did this very thing and this young man resembles him if you look hard enough. This is when he says he doesn’t. Actually, how he phrases it is, no, I do not. I don’t care for this formal tone but I decide to let it go. So I say, are you sure about this, young man, and he says I do have a brother but his name isn’t Omar. I ask, what’s his name then. He answers Barry. I say do you expect me to believe this and he says I don’t care what you believe. I say, listen, young man, this doesn’t have to be adversarial, this business about your brother. I extend a hand in front of him and wag a finger while I say this, like I’m teaching him a lesson, which I am. This is what our father used to do whenever he called us goldbricks except his finger was mangled from arthritis so you had to keep yourself from laughing. Right now no one is laughing. The young man isn’t laughing and neither are the people who think he can save us. The young man says I have to go now, I have things to do, someone has to take charge. I say we all have things to do and your brother, Omar, is no exception. I tell the young man that he is lost at sea and everything is going to hell. I tell the young man this is on you, he’s your brother after all. The young man says, listen, mister, and I say you got that right. I say do you think your brother Omar denies having a brother like you do. He and I stand toe to toe and I can tell the people around us are nervous. They probably think this is some kind of mutiny. They probably think we’re about to have a fistfight on the deck here. The young man takes a step back and crumbles. I tell him I’m here to speak about his brother, Omar, and that this business can’t continue. I tell him he is good for nothing and a goldbrick but everything will be fine because I am taking charge of the boat. I walk over to the bow, find a short stool to stand on. Then I turn and face the crewmen and passengers. I tell them to follow my lead, do exactly as I say. I tell some to tote barges, others to lift bales. I tell them I have taken over.


Robert Lopez is the author of three novels, Good People,  Part of the World and Kamby Bolongo Mean River, and a collection of stories, Asunder. He has taught at The New School, Pratt Institute, and Columbia University and is a 2010 New York Foundation for the Arts Fellow in Fiction.


An Excerpt From The Unfinished World And Other Stories by Amber Sparks

         Of all the women his elusive father maintained boisterous and public affairs with, Set liked the principal ballerina of the Ballets Russes the best. His father took him to see her dance in Prince Igor, elbowing Set each time her skirt flared high over her shiny pink thighs. She was very kind to Set afterward, tousling his hair and smiling a dimpled smile for him. She smelled like melted sugar and rose petals. And she gave him gifts: candies from Paris and furs from Moscow, little wooden dolls from the Ukraine that nestled inside one another like a puzzle. He sat in the corner of her dressing room and released the dolls, one by one, while his father whispered something to the ballerina that made her laugh. Set was in awe of this ability that adults seemed to possess—the creation of mirth in another human being. His father wasn’t good for much else, as Pru wryly observed from time to time, but at this, he excelled. He could pull a coin from behind a child’s ear, or tell jokes that even Cedric fell about laughing over, or make a pretty ballerina shake with helpless giggles. In the carriage on the way home, his father turned to Set and asked him what he thought of the dancer. 

         She seems like a very generous lady, said Set, after careful consideration. His father liked this response. 

         She is, he said. She is full of generosity. And—Set thought he winked, but it may have just been sunlight hitting his father’s monocle—she’s soft in just the right spots. 

        It wasn't until Set was almost a young man that he realized she was his mother.

        Or rather, his almost-mother, as he came to think of her. After all, Cedric said, it was hardly genetics alone that made one a parent, and in Set’s case (and Cedric’s, and Constance’s, and Oliver’s) genetics had failed rather spectacularly or at least had been a one-sided affair at best. It was widely understood (but never spoken of) that Pru was uninterested in the business of having children, though she was very much interested in the business of raisingthem. She was a children's book author, and as such she had very firm ideas about the way to bring up useful adults. Her books were the sort of moral tales disguised as anthropomorphic animal stories that were so fashionable then, and whenever one of her children behaved badly they were forced to learn the appropriate tale by heart. Osmosis through story. Pru had similar ideas about genetic inheritance; she had hoped her children would be artists, musicians, dancers—but none of them showed the slightest leaning toward their birth mothers’ talents.

         Set was the last hope—Pru paid for dance lessons as soon as he could walk—but he was bored by dance and Pru's plans for him were dashed. Like everything else, she took this setback in stride. She summoned her eldest, Cedric, and arranged for Set to go with him on his next expedition to the Canadian Arctic. Set, said Pru, was finally old enough at twelve to travel with Cedric. You’ll have a real adventure, she said. You’ll get a chance to see the heathen up close. Set was disappointed. He wasn’t sure what heathens were, but he supposed they must all be children, very careless indeed with their souls—since the sour-faced ladies at the church were always trying to save them. 

         Cedric was much older than Set, and in those heady days of Antarctic exploration—the age of men like Amundsen and Shackleton—Cedric, too, had distinguished himself. He’d been in high demand for his survey work, and led several expeditions to map the Antarctic coastline between Cape Adare and Mount Gauss. Before the family moved to Long Island, he’d dined with the great men of science at 1 Savile Row, had given lectures in London for the Royal Geographical Society. 

         But that was before the world was laid bare, the last dust blown loose from the darkest corners. Now there were no strange places, only strange peoples, and the demands of the public for their secrets. The public couldn’t get enough of the exoticism of the east, the hot wilds of the south, the strange remoteness of the north. Cedric, who’d lived among the native people and depended on them for guides, for trade, and often for protection, did not like way the so-called primitives were often portrayed in newsreels and print. He wanted to introduce Westerners to the complex societies and customs of these peoples, to show them in what he called a “humanistic light.” He became fixated on this notion. And so he took a three-week film course, bought a camera, and began making documentary films about these far-flung inhabitants of the earth. Set could hardly believe it; to Cedric, mechanical marvels like film were anathema. Ced had scorned Oliver’s dreamy love for this new art form. Oliver, he said, only wants to surround himself with shiny objects, like some kind of magpie. But now Cedric saw it as a way back to the past. He told Set this wasn’t about the new or novel: this, he said, was about preserving the oldest ways of living. 

         This was Cedric’s fifth trip north, to the Canadian Arctic. A certain segment of the public was wild for his films about the Innu people there. And the big fur company, Northland Trading, was happy to bankroll his efforts. But there was another reason he spent so much time with the Innu: he was trying to pin their legends down to history, to track down the ruins of a great northern city, lost and hidden. Of late, he was fixated on it. He spoke to Set constantly about it, his chance at a real discovery.

        There couldn’t possibly be a city here, Set said. Who would have built it?

         Cedric shook his head. No one knows. The elders of the tribe speak of a place somewhere on the north coast. They say the people who built it abandoned it long ago. 

         The coast was a barren tundra. No trees, no rocks, just frozen ground and sea. What would they build it with?

         Cedric smiled. Earth and whalebone, he said. The natives say these people built an entire city in the frozen ground, and stretched hides over the bones of whales for roofs. You see why it will be bloody difficult to find—an ancient city, buried in the cold earth. 

       Set was not sure how he felt about the Arctic. He had longed to see something of the world, to seek out a place in it, but here he felt entirely removed. He was always cold and they were always on the move and the dogs smelled bad and the humans worse and the food was dreadful and unchanging.  His brother was traveling with a small film crew and a few very rough men from the fur company. Once they were in the Innu village in Labrador, the fur men settled down to hard drinking, and complained about the slow pace of Cedric’s work. They refused to help with the camera or the lighting equipment, so Cedric instead trained the natives as his assistants. 

       Set liked the natives much better than the fur men—they taught him how to kill and skin a seal and how to start a fire and how to build an igloo properly. They seemed strong and self-reliant and not at all in need of saving, despite what the church ladies at home said. His friend Agloolik, a boy about his age, taught him how to fish through the ice. They sat companionably around the ice hole, as Set fidgeted and Agloolik laughed at his impatience. Agloolik asked Set what his name meant, and Set shrugged: nothing, he supposed. The Innu looked disappointed; his name, he said, was that of a spirit who lived under the ice. The spirit helped men to fish and hunt, and—he slapped Set on the back—so wasn’t it right he was helping his friend to catch fish? Set pointed out that they didn’t seem to be catching much of anything. Agloolik put a little fish down the front of Set’s parka and rolled around, shrieking with laughter, as Set jumped and scrabbled and shouted that he would be tickled to death.  

       But then Agloolik became serious and sad. My people, he said, they say you do not have a soul the same as other men. Set was uneasy. He remembered, but did not mention, the words of the Japanese lady long ago, the argument between Cedric and Oliver he’d overheard.

       Well then, he said, how do I get a soul?

       I do not know, said Agloolik. But you will need one when you die, to lead you back to your body. 

        The fur men offered Set whisky and roared when he choked on the burn it left behind—though he did enjoy the way it warmed him from the inside, like a little candle. Pru was dead set against drink, and she always warned of its destructive powers. After that first sip, Set waited all night with dread for the signs of destruction to begin. He wasn’t sure if his toes would drop off, or his face burst into pustules, or his insides collapse like a tent in the wind. He wondered how he would find his way back without his soul. 

       Cedric caught him staring into the fire and shook him roughly. Listen, you can’t go trance-eyed out here, or you die. 

       But aren’t I already dead? Am I my own ghost? askedSet.

       Cedric’s eyes narrowed, and he did not answer the question. Take off your gloves, he said, and put your hands over the fire like this. This cold, why, this is nothing. Not like sailing through solid ice. Did I ever tell you, he said, about how I filmed the pack ice on the Intrepid

       Set shook his head, even though Cedric had told the story many times. He liked to hear Cedric tell it. 

       We made a little wooden seat, said Cedric, and we tied it below the jib boom. And there I hung, furiously filming the ship as we rammed that ice. We’d ram it once, just enough to put a wedge in it, to weaken it. Then we’d fire engines and drive full speed into that wedge. We’d break that ice apart with a great, groaning crash, boy, and me hanging on for dear life with that rope around my waist, cranking my camera like anything.

In the weird and wonderful tradition of Kelly Link and Karen Russell, Amber Sparks’s dazzling new collection bursts forth with stories that render the apocalyptic and otherworldly hauntingly familiar. In “The Cemetery for Lost Faces,” two orphans translate their grief into taxidermy, artfully arresting the passage of time. The anchoring novella, “The Unfinished World,” unfurls a surprising love story between a free and adventurous young woman and a dashing filmmaker burdened by a mysterious family. Sparks’s stories―populated with sculptors, librarians, astronauts, and warriors―form a veritable cabinet of curiosities. Purchase here


Amber Sparks is the author of The Unfinished World and Other Short Stories, as well as the collection May We Shed These Human Bodies, and co-author of the The Desert Palaces. She lives in Washington, DC with two beasts and two humans, and she lives online at www.ambernoellesparks.com or @ambernoelle on Twitter. She's almost certainly seen more Godzilla movies than you.


Maneesh in Los Angeles by Shane Jones

photograph by Daido Moriyama

text by Shane Jones

       On Saturday mornings Maneesh tells Sarah things. They have lived together for six months. Sarah refuses to define their relationship, so Sarah is just Sarah and she lives her life saying she has a cold. Maneesh doesn’t understand why Sarah always has a cold, but she says she does and she likes to talk about it. Once a week Sarah works for a veterinarian who makes house calls. The only reason he makes house calls is to put dogs to sleep. The only reason he employs Sarah is to have someone in the house if the dog is too big. 

       Maneesh wants to marry Sarah. He feels embarrassed that he desperately wants to marry a woman named Sarah who has a cold all the time and puts dogs to sleep. Back home his parentsquestion their non-arrangement. They call Sarah “The Sahara” and when Maneesh asks what that means exactly they go silent. Regardless, they send money every month and are happy to do so. His mother places dried flowers, from their backyard, intothe envelope, and during the trip they become dust. His father sketches clouds in pencil across the top of the envelope and the mailman once used a black pen and drew some slanted rain. 

        The worst thing Sarah has ever said to Maneesh he has written on a purple post-it note. This one mean thing, so heartless, he holds onto, and before taking a shower, he unfolds the purple post-it note, reads the question, and tries to answer it. What the mean thing is never seems as mean as when he first heard it. They were arguing about money. They always argue about money because money is the most important thing in the world. Sarah said that he could never make it alone because he had no friends in LA. She narrowed her eyes and said, “When was the last time someone asked you how you were?” 

         Maneesh is on a job interview at The Dick Motel. His resume is completely blank, there is absolutely nothing on it. The man sitting behind the desk, Mr. Dick, feels required to interview a person with a name like Maneesh. Mr. Dick has a framed picture of his five children. All five children are dressed in North Face jackets and Under Armour pants. Maneesh looks at the picture and sighs. 

        “Tell me about yourself,” says Mr. Dick. 

         Maneesh describes the field of flowers back home and the spice market and the golden temple and the cows that produce toxic milk because they eat street garbage. To some of the people who interview him his life seems exotic. Sometimes the interviewers talk about Cancun and Maneesh smiles and nods. 

        “But who are you really,” says Mr. Dick. 

          This has never happened before. Such a question! Maneesh lists off adjectives, none of which accurately describe him, most of which he’s not sure the definition of. Still, it sounds pretty good. 

         Mr. Dick doesn’t speak for five minutes. Finally, Mr. Dick says, “What’s your favorite animal?”

        “Dog,” says Maneesh. “Simple and noble and they give you everything.”

         “Let me clarify. Any animal in the world. That includes jungle.”

         “Definitely dog,” says Maneesh. 

          By the end of the interview Maneesh isn’t sure he has the job. A salary is discussed, so it seems like he has the job. He’s not even sure what the job is. But Maneesh will return the next day at 8 a.m. and see what happens. He needs a job so he can marry Sarah and be happy. 

         It is raining outside and too dark for a summer evening. Waiting at the bus stop Maneesh isn’t sure if he should celebrate or look for more jobs. He sits on the metal bench inside the bus stop and with both hands he holds the purple post-it note. 

       “Doctor’s are now saying you should squat on the toilet,” says Sarah. “To get your shit out.” 

       “What?” says Maneesh, amazed. “Is that news?”

       “Maybe it would make me have fewer colds,” says Sarah. “Seems kind of funny though, squatting on the toilet and not sitting, like a normal person.”

       “Right,” says Maneesh.

       Sarah is in the suburbs at the Dick’s house. She is with the veterinarian and the dying dog’s owner, Mrs. Dick, who can’t stop crying. She is going through a divorce and now this. The Dick’s dog is so large Sarah is startled every time she leaves the room and comes back into the room. The reason she leaves the room so many times is to text Maneesh. She says things like, “God, I am so sick today, not sure I can make it,” and “My cold is so bad I think I might pass out.” Nothing Maneesh texts back is good enough.

        The veterinarian likes doing mushrooms and reading horoscopes. Putting dogs to sleep has made him into a weirdo. He used to wear a hemp necklace until Sarah told him to stop. On many occasions he has refused to put down any other animal besides a dog because he believes other animals aren’t as close to God. He said this years ago while on mushrooms, but even sober, he believes it. 

        When he’s on mushrooms he tells Sarah by texting a picture of a palm tree. This was a mistake the first time, but it was funny, so now the palm tree is a running joke. Today the veterinarian is not on mushrooms. Sarah’s job is to hold the back quarters of the dog still while he injects the dog with the chemicals that will kill it.

        “It’s a nice dog,” says Sarah. “I’m sure you gave him a wonderful life.”

         Mrs. Dick is on the living room floor, about ten feet from Sarah and the vet. She looks like she is praying but she is crying so much.

         Once, Sarah and the vet had to put down a German shepherd named Brutus. Brutus hadn’t been groomed in ten years and his tongue never stopped bleeding. For Halloween, the owner’s daughter went as Little Red Riding Hood with Brutus. On first entering the house Sarah had hated the dog. When Brutus was injected with the poison he swept his paw down and on top of Sarah’s hand.

         Once, the veterinarian called Sarah for an emergency job, it had been a few weeks, and when she hung up she said, “I love you.” She didn’t mean it. She only said it because she had a fear of saying “I love you” on the phone to a stranger. And now, it had happened. After the emergency job – two dogs in one visit – the vet texted Sarah a palm tree and a purple heart. 

        When all the poison is inside Mrs. Dick’s dog the vet has Sarah hold the needle so he can get more poison. Some dogs are so big they need more poison to put them to sleep forever. Sarah feels the need to keep talking to Mrs. Dick who is now flat on the carpet with her face pressed into the carpet. She’s not that upset about the dog. “You gave him everything,” says Sarah. “A life of love.”

         Sarah and the vet place the dog inside a purple bag. It’s purple because black is too morbid. This is the vet’s idea and he is proud of it. Even in the driveway Sarah hears Mrs. Dick crying. The vet needs his money. Before he comes out and gets into the car he texts Sarah “j/k” and a palm tree. A second later he sends a heart. 

         They began having sex several times a day shortly after their first date. Maneesh was surprised by this. It was a lot of sex! The only other girlfriend he had ever had while living in LA was a woman who liked sex on Thursday only, which she deemed, “Sophie’s Day.” But Sarah was different. Sarah was insatiable because she couldn’t love anyone. Maneesh was a careful lover and for cologne he wore rosewater which Sarah liked to smell off his shoulders. Sarah enjoyed fast humping. Maneesh increased his humps per minute and felt ridiculous. He wanted to be married so he humped until it hurt. Sarah told Maneesh to put a hand on her throat. He refused. Maneesh loved Sarah by telling her everything he would accomplish in his life. Sarah thought that a person who does this accomplishes nothing. 

         For ten days Maneesh goes to his job. He’s not sure he has the job because he hasn’t been paid. When he showed up the following morning after the interview, Mr. Dick seemed surprised. 

       “You came back,” said Mr. Dick. 

        “Ready to work,” Maneesh said. 

         Mr. Dick waited a while then smiled. “Favorite animal is a dog.”

        “We had discussed money, so I assumed,” said Maneesh. 

        The job is guarding a small swimming pool behind the motel. Maneesh is not a lifeguard. He has no such training. He just makes sure no one is to go swimming. Mr. Dick doesn’t want anyone in the water. The Dick Motel is performing poorly on the financial spectrum. A boy drowned last month. He went down the slide and became so shocked by the cold water that he had an anxiety attack in the deep end. So Maneesh, from sunrise to sunset, watches the pool and points people away from the water. 

        At the end of his tenth day Mr. Dick hands Maneesh five hundred dollars in cash. It is much less than employing a lifeguard and letting people have fun. The motel now charges 35 cents for a bucket of ice. In the future the motel will have one resident and it will be Mr. Dick.

       Sarah can’t sleep because it’s too hot. The air-conditioner is on but it’s not strong enough. Their bed is a mattress on the floor. Next to her on the floor Sarah keeps her phone and when it goes off a little light blooms in the room. 

       She gets a text from the veterinarian. This has been happening more frequently. Sarah rolls onto her side and squints into the light. The screen is all palm trees and hearts. She doesn’t respond. He sends more. 

       They are out drinking coffee at Sarah’s favorite coffee place. It’s called Starbucks and Sarah likes to sit outside under the green umbrellas so people can see her. She has a headache and says she can barely open her eyes. Her throat is raw but the coffee soothes. It’s a very bad cold this time around and she needs to take time off work. 

“But you only work once a week,” says Maneesh. “For an hour.”

“Exactly,” says Sarah. “I need to clear my schedule. I need Sarah time.”

“I’ve been saving money,” says Maneesh, smiling. 

“Don’t smile,” says Sarah. “You look pervy.”

Maneesh lowers his chin and bites his bottom lip.

         “Men shouldn’t smile so much at women. It’s oppressive.”   

         “I’m saving for our future,” says Maneesh, not smiling. “I have great plans.”

         "A Sarah day,” says Sarah. “Once a week where I get to do whatever I want.”

        “Hm,” Maneesh says. 

        “Today’s good,” she says and finishes her coffee. “Now let’s go home and do fast humps.”

         “You can’t act this way when we’re married,” saysManeesh. “Back home they won’t allow such behavior.”

        “What are you talking about?”

         “This is my proposal,” says Maneesh and he falls to one knee. There is a five hundred dollar ring in his open palm. It is beautiful. 

         “I thought this would happen,” says Sarah. 

         Maneesh is unpopular at the motel where there is a guy who says he designs airplanes so he spends all day writing mechanical equations on his body. There is a woman who hides beer in the ice machine. There is a guy who calls himself Morphine Man who spends more time in his van than his motel room. There is a stray dog named George that everyone loves but no one will take responsibility for. They all dislike Maneesh. They don’t care that a boy drowned. Visible water you can’t enter in LA is torture.

       Maneesh sits inside the gate at a patio table next to the pool. A car pulls into a parking spot. A woman is inside. Ten minutes later a pick-up truck parks three spots from her. A man gets out, walks to the front desk, and enters the motel room closest to where the woman’s car is parked. Five more minutes pass until the woman leaves her car and opens the motel room door, which is unlocked and left slightly open. An hour later the man leaves. The woman leaves ten minutes after. Maneesh holds his face with his hands. 

       Every night before it becomes dark and the little yellow motel lights come on outside each room, Mr. Dick appears in his Chevy Cruze. He parks on the side of the motel where there is an entrance. From his trunk he unloads a dozen black trash bags. A woman, much older than Mr. Dick, helps him bring the bags inside. They are huge bags, and the old woman is very small but very strong and she takes three bags in each hand and she can barely fit through the door. One night, Mr. Dick left his car right there and in the morning his car was still there. But most nights, Mr. Dick leaves. He comes back in the morning to work the front desk because he has fired everyone but Maneesh and a maid who is into heroin and skinny dipping in the dark. 

         If he’s in a good mood Mr. Dick brings Maneesh a coffee in the morning. He hands him a clipboard and paper where Maneesh writes down when and who tries to swim in the pool. Soon, he will have enough for the plane tickets back home. 

       “Do you like America,” says Mr. Dick. 

       “You are going to have to be more specific,” Maneesh says. 

        “Our way of life, our food, our manner of moving through the world.”

        At the ice machine is the woman who hides beer inside the machine. She has the flap open and is kneeling in front of it. Her eyes are closed. “Doctor Franks,” she says. “You are needed in the recovery room.”

         “I like the flag,” says Maneesh. 

          Eventually, Sarah agrees to marry Maneesh. She stops complaining about her colds. She’s not even sure she had a cold before, she just liked talking about having a cold. It’s a way to complain and get sympathy for a while until the other person has nothing to say and then she can still keep talking. Sarah realizes she just really likes to talk and have no one talk back to her. She doesn’t necessarily like this about herself, but she accepts it. 

          The engagement is a great success for Maneesh. He looks at the purple post-it note with the mean thing on it and puts it back in his pants. His parents seem thrilled. They stop calling Sarah “The Sahara” which is a nice thing to do. They will have the wedding there. They will invite one hundred people. 

         It is all so strange and exotic. Sarah spends less time looking at her friends on her phone. None of them have children so they have dogs they take pictures with. Sarah has to like each picture. But now Sarah thinks about being married and having a child. She doesn’t tell Maneesh this. Her likes on her friend’s dog photos become random. Her friends are offended and happy for her. The colors of the wedding will be white and turquoise and long beads will be on every neck and wrist. Rose petals will lead them everywhere. Marble, thinks Sarah, is a nice name for a baby girl. 

         Maneesh collects his last five hundred dollars and lets everyone into the pool. Mr. Dick is furious. It’s a small pool to begin with and there are too many people in it. They fill the pool shoulder-to-shoulder and on the slide are half a dozen people drinking Bud Light. One person wears a clown wig. 

“Why are you doing this?” says Mr. Dick. 

          “To make the people happy,” says Maneesh. “I am embarking on the most joyful part of my life and I want to share it with everyone.”

         “Half of these people are child molesters,” says Mr. Dick. 

         “I am in love and you are not,” says Maneesh. “So we see the world differently. I couldn’t be more happier than I am now.”

         Mr. Dick waves hello at a motel resident slapping his belly, seemingly, in his direction. “I didn’t ask how you were feeling,” says Mr. Dick. 

        “On top of the world,” says Maneesh. 

        They are back at Starbucks drinking coffee. The ring on her finger is perfect and a passing man in all gray sweatpants and shirt gives them a thumbs up. Maneesh tells Sarah that the flight is 17 hours. 

“Oh my God,” says Sarah. 

“We can play games,” says Maneesh. 

“Games?”

         “On our phones,” says Maneesh. “Like this.” He shows her his phone with a squirrel running from one side of the screen to the other side of the screen catching falling acorns from an autumnal tree.  

        “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all,” says Sarah. 

        Maneesh does the pervert face. “I am King Love. You are Queen Bee.

        “For the wedding,” says Sarah. “How many elephants can we have?”

        Maneesh stares at Sarah. 

         Sarah quits her job and the veterinarian has a coughing fit. He wants her to stay. He has never directly confessed his feelings so he will destroy everything around him. They are outside in his car. They have just finished putting down a Doberman Pincher. Sarah feels nothing. It is her least favorite dog in the world. The owner is a physical therapist who showed her an entire room filled with Bruce Springsteen memorabilia. 

“I’ll be gone for a month, maybe more,” says Sarah. “I’ll come back a married woman.”

“I’m on mushrooms,” says the vet.

         Through the windshield Sarah sees the physical therapist filling out the paperwork at his dining room table. His forehead is supported by his index finger and thumb. Sarah imagines him listening to depressing Bruce Springsteen songs.

“Can you see me,” says Sarah, “being a wife?”

“Not really,” says the vet. “How about some mushrooms.”

“But isn’t that a bad sign?” says Sarah. “You’re into astrology. Doesn’t my horoscope say what I should do?”

         “Sarah,” says the vet. “I’m afraid we have come to the closing chapter in our shared experience. We came together in death, laughed together in death, and now, we leave together in death.”

“But I’m getting married,” says Sarah. “In India.”

“The stars are overrated,” says the vet. 

          The day before the 17 hour flight Maneesh buys a coffee for everyone at the motel. He knocks on each door, leaves the coffee on the ground, and then moves to the next door. 

“What is this about,” says Morphine Man. 

“Victory,” says Maneesh. 

       A few residents open their door, look at the coffee, then close the door. Mr. Dick is asleep in his Chevy Cruze with the old woman knitting in the passenger seat. 

       “From lottery winnings,” says Morphine Man. 

        “No, not at all,” says Maneesh, smiling. “I’m going back home to get married. I’ve met a woman and we are going to have a life together.”

       Morphine Man drinks his coffee. He stops drinking his coffee but keeps the coffee cup against his mouth and nose while looking at Maneesh. Then he lowers the cup and says, “Talk about a dream and try to make it real.”

       Sarah isn’t sure how she got everything so wrong in her imagination but the wedding ceremony isn’t in a church but at the home of Maneesh’s parents. It is lovely. They have decorated for weeks. There are two chairs colored gold in the living room on a riser. Maneesh wears a perfect white suit that is so soft that Sarah cries when she touches it. There is the backyard full of flowers. She looks at the backyard full of flowers and they are married. 

         There is cake. On the cake are one hundred candles. This is a tradition. Every person at the wedding takes a candle and walks outside where they form a circle with Maneesh and Sarah in the center. She knows no one. Everyone has a dog sitting next to them as they stand. Everyone makes their wish for the couple. They don’t blow the candle out. Rather, they put the candle out with their fingertips, nod at Maneesh and Sarah, and then, the next person goes. The ring of light dials down to dark. The sky is a light blue, almost white, with both the sun and moon visible. Sarah believes she can smell sand in the breeze. Then it’s just Maneesh and Sarah standing in the center with their candles. They make a wish for each other. 

        There is great applause and cheering. The dogs sit still. A weeping man hugs Maneesh around his thighs that Sarah is pretty sure is his father. Another person holds a small dog against his chest while spinning and looking at the sky with his eyes closed. Maneesh and Sarah run into the house so people can throw things into the air. 

        “Tell me,” says Sarah, in Maneesh’s childhood bedroom. “Come on, tell me what you wished for.”

        “It’s sacred,” says Maneesh. “You wouldn’t tell me your birthday wish at Applebee’s last year.”

         “We should do fast humps,” says Sarah. 

         “My family is outside,” says Maneesh. He points out the window and his uncle nods his drink at him. The dogs haven’t moved an inch. They remain in a circle. 

         Sarah pushes Maneesh against the door and kisses his neck. Maneesh puts a hand on her throat. She feels scared so she laughs. Then she tells him to keep going. He squeezes her throat and kisses her on the mouth. He kisses her forehead. She coughs. Everyone outside is happy. But they are not as happy as Maneesh and Sarah. How could they be? He lifts her dress. There really are flowers everywhere. He slides his fist across her stomach. “What the hell are you doing?” says Sarah. He slides his fist into his pocket. The purple post-it note remains because they are in love. 


Shane Jones (b. 1980) lives in upstate New York. His first novel, Light Boxes, was originally published by Publishing Genius Press in a print run of 500 copies in 2009. The novel was reviewed widely, the film option purchased by Spike Jonze (Where The Wild Things Are, Adaptation), and the book was reprinted by Penguin Group in 2010. Light Boxes has been translated in eight languages and was named an NPR best book of the year. In August of 2012 Penguin released a new novel, Daniel Fights a Hurricane. Shane is also the author of the novella The Failure Six.


The Pollinator by Kate Wyer

photograph by Nobuyoshi Araki

text by Kate Wyer

We are all migrants here. Working with our thumbs and hands in the organic orchid field. We are all brown with the sun and some from family. We do not all speak Spanish. I speak some, enough. I dream it and can tell when I’m the butt of another’s joke. To know  slurs and insults, to roll with the subtle, confusingly slow brushes against my backside as I lean into the plants. 
 

"Do you shave your eyebrows?"they ask me. 
 

I don’t know if this is some kind of come on, if it meant something other than a literal question. My eyebrows are huge and black with a natural arch to them. I was born with them. Sometimes I have an urge to neaten, but not often. I do not tolerate a beard or mustache though. Even the slightest scrape of stubble against the back of my hand gets my gag reflex going. What’s that about, right? 

I am most drawn to the creatures who hang out with the Hare Krishnas. I’ve heard they don’t believe in sex unless you are trying to procreate. There is one in particular. She has a shaved head. I think she’s a she. There is something masculine in her shoulder. I  see them all after rain storms. They appear after the clouds have gone and the sun is shining as they beat their drums and step around the mud puddles in the street. 

 I like to watch the dogs line up behind the grocery store on my way home. It is dark and their shadows move through the streets with mine. I would like to beg the way they do. I would like to kneel and ask for food, have it handed to me directly into my mouth. I can sit. I can stay. Instead, I go home and cook beans and rice with some of the discarded vanilla pods and a little red pepper, a lot of black pepper and salt. 
 

Home is very full. I live with the men of the fields in all the outcroppings of semi-permanent homes. There is a shared kitchen, but no one cooks very much. Except for me. The bathroom is shared too. We have single bedrooms that are linked in an open hallway. There is plastic over the walkway, but rain still gets in, even if it isn’t windy. The room is carpeted with remnants. 

If you were my guest, I’d have you leave your shoes next to the door. 
I have to say, I always wear a hat when I’m working so the sun won’t age my face. I use some turmeric and mix into a face mask to give myself a little color. It stains my skin a slight golden color and is good for inflammation too. I know why I confuse some of the men and disgust others. There is something they don’t know how to read. I don’t know how to read it myself. It’s all very crude and approximate. 

I decide to piece my nose. I found a small earring hoop in the field today and pocketed it immediately. All day I thought it over. Yes, it should be easy enough with my quilting needle, although my standard needle may be too big. As soon as I’m home, I think, I’ll look. 
 

I have a small carrot that about the size of my pinky. It fits up my nose. I wash my face and hands, stick the carrot up the right nostril and then with it hanging out of my face, run the end of a needle through a flame a few times. In the mirror I test a few places with a marker and then select the dot furthest back on my nose. Grabbing the carrot to hold it in place, I then press down through my nose with the needle. My eyes immediately water a lot, but really, it’s not that bad. 
 

Oh, I think, I should have washed the hoop first. With the carrot and now the needle sticking out of my face, I walk to the kitchen to wash it before trying to loop it through. 
 

Fero is in the kitchen.  What the hell is that?, he asks. 

I blush, or at least flush. I can feel the blood in my chest rising up my throat. 
I’m piercing my nose. 
 

Are you crying?


No, it made my eyes water. I’m not crying. It doesn’t hurt much at all. 
He makes a move like he’s going to get up quickly. If I grab it, it will hurt. 
I move back and he laughs. 
 

Whatever, he says. I’m not going to touch you. 
 

I don’t turn my back to him as I wash the gold hoop under the hot water. 
 

You need to clean the hole with saline. Or soak it with salt water every day for a couple of months, he says. My sister had hers pierced in the 90’s. I still remember her sitting in front of the TV holding a washcloth to her face every night. 
 

How long do I soak it?
 

I don’t remember. I just remember it takes a few months to completely heal. 
 

Why did you pierce it? The nostril too. You could have at least pierced through here, he says and pinches the septum. You have the ring, like the bull. 


I don’t answer him. I want to get the needle out of my nose because it is starting to throb. 
 

Thanks, I say, and exit hurriedly to my room. 
 

Once inside I twist the needle a few times and then bend hoop open. If I had a stud it would be so much easier. 

The needle is stuck into the carrot and I can’t get it to slide out without pulling the needle out of my nose. I should have picked something harder that wouldn’t be penetrated. 

I watch his eyes as they scan me. I wonder what he notices. 
 

The longer he holds my face the more blood moves, the more quickly it moves. Despite this, I worry about breaking out where his oily fingers linger on my chin. I haven’t yet tried to wiggle out. 


He moves his torso closer to mine, closer until it is just a fist’s distance away. I feel his heat and can smell his supper on his breath. 
 

His eyes finally move onto my face. There is mild surprise across his eyebrows. 
 

I don’t know if I wanted him to drop my face or crush it. Or kiss it. 

His hand goes to my crotch. He gives a strong squeeze and then releases, steps back. My hand finds his waist and I attempt to pull his body towards me until his crotch is against mine.  
It’s clear the moment is over though. 

He resists and moves to open the door. 
 

Don’t steal my goddamn avocados, he says.


Kate Wyer is the author of the novel Black Krim, which was nominated for the Debut-litzer from Late Night Library. Her manuscript, Girl, Cow, is a semi-finalist for the Omnidawn Fabulist Fiction Chapbook Contest. Wyer's work can be found in The Collagist, Unsaid, PANK, Necessary Fiction, Exquisite Corpse, and other journals. She attended the Summer Literary Seminars in Lithuania on a fellowship from FENCE. Wyer lives in Baltimore and works in the public mental health system.


Fat Kid By Matthew Vollmer

Text by Matthew Vollmer

         The kid was fat. Like really fat. Obese, I guess, is the word. Not morbidly obese, I don’t think, but I can’t say for sure. I’m no doctor. I can’t observe the particulars of a body—human or otherwise—and tell you whether or not it may or may not be teetering on the verge of extinction. I do, however, have eyes. I like to think—and in fact I feel pretty confident in saying—that I know overweight when I see it. So, like I said… this kid, he was fat. In fact, I’d say that he belonged to a specific category: the kind that elicits pity. The kind you look at and say, what chance does a kid that fat have? It’s terrible to think, I know, and worse to say. And it’s not like I have a lot of room to talk. I could stand to lose a few. But still. This kid? His fatness? Whole other story. Wherever he went, the fact of that fatness was, if you’ll pardon the expression, the elephant in the room. I’m not saying he was like those thousand pounders whose corpses have to be airlifted out of their bedrooms, just that this kid’s fatness was something you would’ve had no chance of not noticing. You could tell yourself that you weren’t going to judge, but I’d bet a dollar to a doughnut you couldn’t help wondering how could someone, specifically a child, could get that big. Was it the fault of his parents? His pediatrician? Was he somehow genetically disposed? Was his problem—supposing you wanted to distinguish it as such—glandular in nature? What and how much did he snitch when nobody was looking? Did he get in trouble for raiding the pantry or refrigerator? Did he sneak out to the nearest convenience mart, where a raspy voiced woman with bloated eyebags and a diamond ring on her finger rang him up and called him “Hun” when she asked for the total, and if so did this make the fat kid feel good, if only because it seemed to him then that in the cashier’s eyes he was a regular person like anybody else, living in a world where all people were potential “Huns,” and did he then give her a handful of quarters and say, “Keep the change,” and ferry the snack cakes to his room where he stuffed each one whole into his mouth, not eating as fast as he possibly could, but with a steady consistency that still might have been accurately described as “wolfing,” little beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead and air whistling through his nose as he chewed,  not even really enjoying it except for the fact that he knew he shouldn’t do it, but fuck it, who was he to deprive himself of this one joy in life, not that he didn’t only have one joy, but this was one only he knew about, a secret joy, the way his teeth cracked the brittle icing and then squished into the yellow cake and the gooey filling and maybe he had a chocolate milk to wash down each massive bite, who knows? Maybe all he needed to do was get through the eating and emerge on the other side.

         But maybe I’m getting it all wrong. Maybe the only thing to say about any of this is that it’s wrong to see a kid and think first and foremost the word “fat,” wrong to imagine that said kid was somebody who lacked the necessary willpower to be not fat, the kind of person who couldn’t control his desires. Aren’t we all guilty of indulgence? Don’t we all practice our own singularly ludicrous acts of self-sabotage? And might the only difference between our sins and his be that the consequences of his supply more physical evidence? What if, for instance, every time we got angry, our bodies started, ever so slightly, to balloon? What if we evolved somehow so that we grew what scientists would later dub on the cover of Time magazine, “the fat gland,” and that every time you lost your temper, every time the Dream Team lost to the Sacramento Kings in NBA2K14 or if your spouse washed something that shouldn’t have been washed and dried or if your kid took too long finding a jacket to wear because he’s pathologically slow in the mornings and the bus will be here any minute, what if every time you got mad this little gland secreted something, like fat, maybe, or cellulose, or whatever, and what if bodies started metabolizing—or not--anger or sadness or lust? In other words, what if you could get fat in ways other than eating too much and not exercising enough or having the wrong kind of metabolism? What I’m saying is, what if it had to do with something other than metabolism or genetic dispositions or food? Might you change your tune? Could you then eavesdrop upon our fat young friend as he confesses knowing how to make a “mean” spaghetti sauce without wondering what the everloving fuck he was doing making spaghetti sauce, regardless of said sauce’s intensity or flavor profile, or what hole he’d been living in that would have prevented him from having heard that he, as a person of extraordinary girth, should be avoiding carbs and instead be subsisting mostly on a diet of nuts and fruits and vegetables and grains? Then again, do you have any room to talk about willpower? Do you know a thing or two about deprivation? Do you assume it would be no big deal to survive, say, on a diet of apples, just as a man I know named Junior once did, a guy who recently arrived to de-branch the trees in my yard, a guy who was certainly not, by any measuring stick, slim, but who, having learned that a person can eat as many apples as he or she wants and still lose an extraordinary amount of weight, embarked upon such a diet, and so for days and weeks ate nothing but apples, one after the other, just and only apples the entire livelong day, and that by doing so he shed—“burned it up,” is how he tells it—an extraordinary amount of body fat, and is now lighter on his feet than he’s been in years? Could you imagine a world where people like Junior took stock of their lives, and of what they might stand to lose, and then lost it? Is it too much to think we could teach ourselves to look at a person without inserting “fat” or “thin” or “black” or “white” or “straight” or “spiny” or “sticky” or “bedraggled” or “clean”? Might we learn to relinquish our hold on our qualifiers? Might someday we see a kid of a certain size and circumvent the adjective altogether, going straight—as we ought—to “person”? I’m tempted to say—sad as it sounds—that the premise sounds preposterous. But then I think of Junior, a once ground-bound body who regained, through sheer will, his mobility, and who now scampers nimbly up tree trunks with a chainsaw in tow, and once he gets high enough he begins what he climbed up to do, which is to say he chooses which limbs need to go, lops off the excess, making trees lighter, opening them up so that more sun can shine through to the yard down below, so that the grass there can grow once again richly green.


Matthew Vollmer is the author of the story collections Gateway to Paradise and Future Missionaries of America, as well as inscriptions for headstones, a collection of creative nonfiction. He edited the anthology A Book of Uncommon Prayer, which collects everyday invocations from over 60 writers, and with David Shields co-edited Fakes: An Anthology of Pseudo-Interviews, Faux-Lectures, Quasi-Letters, "Found" Texts, and Other Fraudulent Artifacts. He teaches at Virginia Tech.


            

[SHORT STORY] A Walk Around Town on a Chilly Evening

Image by Ralph Steadman

A Walk Around Town On a Chilly Evening

by Sasha Fletcher

After the sun set and the last of its heat dissipated from the baked bricks of the buildings lining what amounted to a boulevard, the cold winds started in from the North or the East or some other place full up with trouble and nonsense, and whistled their way through the town.

Outside the bar are several drunks drunk and lonely, their secrets spilling out their mouths and on down their shirtfronts, their bile spelling out a few choice phrases like WE FIND NEW WAYS TO DEFEAT OURSELVES BETTER THAN THE WORLD EVER COULD EVERY DAY and IF I KNEW BETTER HOW TO LIVE WITH MY LONELINESS THEN MAYBE YOU’D SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, OR AT LEAST COME HOME and I WOULD SAY I AM SORRY BUT THE WORD FOR WHAT I AM FEELING IS NOT A WORD, IT IS A FEELING, AND FURTHERMORE IF I BROACHED THE SUBJECT OF MYSELF TO YOU I’D BE A DEAD MAN AND A HALF and THIS WAS NOT WHAT I MEANT TO ACCOMPLISH and WHOOPS, GUESS I REALLY MADE A MESS HERE, HUH?

Such are the feelings we spill from time to time on the shoes of strangers, our sadness a thing we choose to choke or choke on as the moment dictates, and depending of course on the price of whisky, which at the moment is on sale, and the road to the bar is wide, roughly as wide as my weaknesses, which will swallow me whole, just you watch. But before that, let us hold our heads under the water until something magical happens. Let us hold hands and walk through the fire in the manner of people in nicer clothes that we can afford, and let us do it with the gusto and commitment that we would like to be better known for.

Outside all of this is the jail, in which several men are interred for inflicting their feelings on unsuspecting citizens with varying degrees of violence. ‘Tell us something!’ they call out to the Sheriff’s father. ‘Tell you what he?’ says to them. ‘Tell us something lovely and true and only a little vicious, just enough to draw some blood, to get the scent of living in the air.’ He says ‘Fine’ and reads them the letters he has written to the ghost he loves and when he is finished they say ‘And then what?’ and he says to them ‘And then nothing.’ He says ‘And then we keep living as best we can with our hearts on fire in a way that not even death will extinguish’, and this shuts them up for the night while they sit with their thoughts which have, it turns out, sincerely let them down.

Upstairs from the jail is the Sheriff’s father’s apartment, next to the sign that says JAIL, and notes are falling from the ceiling, and have been for years, and then the wind comes and scoops them up, because the wind is a fucking asshole, and romance does not always get to win, because if it did, well, what then?

What then? is a game the children are playing that they invented earlier wherein they reinvent the wheel and by the wheel we mean history.

What then is then everyone gets the ball scores in in a more timely fashion. What then is the double play and the complete game shutout and the invention of the ground rule double, which is a thing people have got some opinions on, but fuck their opinions, because the ground rule double is a law, and you’re just an opinion with a mouth. The town paper has got some things to say about the ground rule double, but is keeping them to itself. The town paper sits alone in the dark, writing editorial after editorial. The town paper thinks for a moment about what it might be like to date, to sit across a table from a body and to risk something of their feelings, or at least maybe to sit down to a meal, for once in its life. After thinking, the town paper writes an editorial, and after that the town paper writes another editorial. In the basement of the town paper, an idea, unspoken, rustles.

Up in her room is Meg who has stopped seeing Daniel, but is unsure if she wants to see Sam. Sam on his porch down the road is decidedly sure that he would like to see Meg if she would let him, while up in her room Meg thinks of how glad she is to know Sam, of the joy knowing him has brought to her life, and the ways in which their conversations have expanded the borders of her life to encompass things she had previously only dreamed of, but how that doesn’t mean she wants to marry the guy. Meg thinks of Sam and is, for a moment, overwhelmed by a rush of blood and warmth let loose by her heart. Meg thinks of Sam and of how much more glad she would be if he would just let things be. ‘Sam’ says Meg ‘I get it. There is such stuff in my heart that you could not get over if you tried, which who even knows if you have, but that doesn’t mean things between us would work.’ ‘In another world’ says Sam to Meg from his porch ‘Wanting would be enough.’ ‘In another world ‘says Meg to Sam from her upstairs in her room ‘I’d like that very much.’

Past them is the moon, which is, in its own way, another world beyond all of us, and below the moon is the barbershop. Outside the barbershop are a group of men with large ideas and new haircuts and nobody cares about those men and if they do care about them well then that’s their mistake, and not one which we are willing to indulge. Past the barbershop is the Jail, where the Sheriff sits with a pipe as the prisoners ask him questions to which he responds ‘Well, I reckon you’ll stay there until such time as you learn to not be a shit heel. No Tom, I don’t rightly reckon I know when that would be either. Dinner’s beans in a cup with some burnt ends. Well because it’s all I know to cook, or it’s ’cause I don’t rightly feel like expending the effort to make you more than that. Also you’re drunk Tom. You pissed in your gun and thought you’d be shooting piss in Bill’s ear instead of the shell in the chamber. Yes, Bill’s dead, with an ear full of piss, too. Yes, Tom, I reckon you’ll hang. Yes it was misleading earlier. No, I don’t feel too torn up about it. Well Tom, I have known love. Well I left that love, Tom. No, no it was just. Well, Tom, she was a witch, and I was greatly terrified of her femininity, and her power, and quite frankly I just felt like I was out of my depth. Do I regret it? Sure. Some days. I mean, who doesn’t have a few regrets? I’m sure you regret leaving Bill dead with an ear full of piss. But that don’t preclude an attempt at justice and whatever subsequent punishment is decided upon for the taking of a life unjustly, which, if you’ve been following along here, tends in this town to be a handing. Yes, Tom. I too weep at the sheer fucking impossibility of it all. Practically every night.’ And then they both weep at the sheer fucking impossibility of it all, because who wouldn’t? And anyway past the jail is, fittingly enough, the graveyard, which is not so much a yard as it is the plot of land at the bottom of a hill reached by a winding staircase at the top of which is the church.

Outside the church sits an old priest and a young priest. Earlier today the old priest and young priest woke up in their rooms and they yawned and stretched and the young priest worries a bit about sleep, which is not a thing he does well at all, and the old priest cataloged his dreams so as to better distinguish them from his visions and the young priest just assumed that whatever happened inside his head was the thing he was meant to think or see, but that he should, if he could, hold those thoughts up to what light of day there is so as to compare them to the wide world and better get a grip on what plans there are that exist for him, and after al that they got dressed and met downstairs.

‘Well’ said the young priest to the old priest ‘I guess we’d better open up.’ ‘That’ said the old priest ‘Would be the thing to do’, and so they went and they opened up the doors, and no one is there. ‘There’s nobody there’ said the young priest. ‘Seems as though nobody is in need of a church at this hour’ said the old priest. ‘Coffee?’ said the young priest. ‘Oh yes, please’ said the old priest, and they retire to the back, and prepare some coffee. ‘So last night’ said the young priest ‘Oh?’ said the old priest ‘Yeah’ said the young priest. ‘Were you going to tell me about last night?’ said the old priest and the young priest said ‘I wasn’t planning on it but I could if you’d like’, and then they both sat there with their coffee, and then someone stuck their head in and said ‘Hi Hello Can you help me?’ ‘How can we help?’ they said, and the person says ‘You can die’, and then like twenty people swarm the church, guns blazing, and the priests said together and in unison ‘We’d rather you didn’t do this. God loves you, and violence is not the answer’ and this statement got answered with more gunplay, and the young priest sighed and said to the old priest ‘OK so about my dream’ and the old priest said ‘Uh huh’ and then grabbed the nearest church-swarmer by the neck and removed their head from their body and gripped the spine with both hands and whipped it around, smashing a few heads together, while the young priest shot out the eyes of the church-swarmers and said ‘Last night I could have sworn there was a mountain walking around the desert’ and shoots out a few more eyes, which are the windows to the soul, and anyone that would visit such violence upon these men, well, their soul is fucked unto death probably, and the old priest said ‘Go on’ and the young priest said ‘I mean that wasn’t what happened, really. What happened was I was a much older man’ and the old priest says ‘Like me?’ and the young priest says ‘And I was standing on the roof of a house on top of a mountain that was roaming the desert carried along upon a series of tumbleweeds, and I was standing there with my daughter, in the dream I had a daughter’ and he shot four more people through the eyes while the old priest switched out his shattered-to-shit skull on the end of the spine of his church-swarmer basher for a fresh one from the neck of a real asshole-looking fella, and the young priest said ‘I don’t know how I knew she was my daughter, but I just did’ and the old priest said ‘The world’s funny like that’ and the young priest said ‘And anyway her name was America, and it wasn’t a symbol or anything it was just her name, America Resplendent Adams, and she and I were standing there, her mother had been dead a year that morning, we stood there, and we wept, and our tears formed a waterfall, and it flooded a town, a town by the sea, and the town was swept away, and America looked up at me, and she opened her mouth, and then I woke up.’ ‘Shit’ said the old priest, breathing slowly, and stacking the bodies into a sort of mountain. ‘Yeah, well’ said the young priest, panting from the exertion. ‘Guess we should bury them.’

And so anyway that’s why they’re here in the graveyard, where the old priest, sweating, mostly out of breath, and leaning against a tombstone on which they have inscribed HERE REST SEVERAL POOR DECISIONS, he says ‘I was in love with a ghost once’ and the young priest says ‘1) Who wasn’t and 2) We can talk about that later.’ The old priest says ‘What of America?’ and the young priest says ‘That isn’t funny’ The old priest says ‘America.’ The young priest says ‘You can be a real asshole sometimes, you know that?’ The old priest says ‘I worry that America has forgotten how to love’, says ‘Brother and sisters, we are gathered here today huddled up amongst the rocks and the hard places, begging the Lord up above for guidance, because that is all we are good for, is begging. Brothers and sisters I say unto you ‘Fuck your beggary’, for it will get you nowhere. Does the lord love you more when you cry out for him to fix things? When your child ceases not with its pleas and tears, does this inspire you to love the child more? or to strike it about the face and body with your hands or some other implement of tact? This is a question put to you out there in America where we no longer know what love means.’ The young priest says ‘That was a nice start but it gets a little aggressive towards the end there.’ The old priest says ‘People respond to aggression.’ The young priest says ‘Not well’ says ‘Recall earlier, if you will.’ The old priest says ‘I thought that went well’ and the young priest says nothing. He says ‘Once upon a time in the west I was tired, and after that I went to bed, and in the morning a whole bunch of jerks sat around worrying about everything except whether they were trying to be better, more decent people, who attempted more sincerely to connect to others around them, and really grow the kind of community that would make anyone proud.’ He says ‘Let’s change the subject.’ he says ‘Some people talk about the soul and where it resides. They say that the deepest part of you is in your head, or your heart, or your blood. ‘His blood is bad’ they’ll say. ‘His heart is cold.’ ‘He has got an evil turn of mind.’ ‘There is a darkness to him’ is what they’ll say. But the worst of us, what we leave behind, what heaven never wants, is our bones.’ He says ‘Fuck.’ He says ‘I don’t really know where I’m going with all this.’ He says ‘I am not really going anywhere with this.’ The old priest says to the young priest ‘Oh yes you are’ and the young priest says ‘And where might that be?’ and the old priest says ‘Straight to hell’ and then they both die laughing. Now they’re up in heaven, and there’s God, saying ‘Stop that’, and the old priest and the young priest say ‘Make us’, they say ‘We dare you.’ They say ‘We double dare you.’ They say ‘We double dare you and stamp it with a Presidential seal from the President of Loneliness, with whom we have got a real close and personal relationship.’ God says ‘You guys know the President of Loneliness?’ The old priest and the young priest say ‘Fuck yes we do!’ And God says ‘Dang.’ And the old priest and the young priest say ‘Tell us about it’, and so that is what God does. And, in the morning when the sun comes up, there they are, the old priest and the young priest, still dead as all creation, and loving every second of it.

 


SASHA FLETCHER is the author of It Is Going To Be a Good Year (Big Lucks Books, 2016), several chapbooks of poetry, and an out of print novella. He has recently finished a novel, from which this piece is excerpted from.


[SHORT STORIES] Selections from ECHO PARK by Ryan Ridge

Ryan Ridge's short short stories carry a sort of essence of the 21st century. His brief prose style parallels with our abrupt, social-media-driven way of communicating in the modern world. The following tales--centered around the recently gentrified  community of Echo Park in Los Angeles--capture the dark tensions behind everything from climate change to Charlie Chaplin tramp stamps.

JACKSON BROWNE

I grew up reading Shakespeare and Mark Twain.
--Jackson Browne

He strums his Gibson guitar with an unregistered handgun in an alleyway at the Psychedelic Street Fair. The acoustics are astonishing. After the failure of the ‘60s came the disappointment of the ‘70s. Now every decade feels like the last. It’s a story older than prime real estate itself. In the Country Western sunshine our heartbeats beat in ¾ time as you waltz into an Albertson’s on Alvarado Street to buy a bag of avocados. Everything costs more in California. Nothing is sacred unless it’s potential for profitable media. Culture is to Capital today as Carnegie once was: nu steel… Out of work actors can’t catch a break so instead they fall into afternoon matinees: comedy, dramedy, urban tragedy. Most lives are silent films no one sees. He handguns his guitar in an alleyway at the Psychedelic Street Fair. His weapon of choice is A.) His voice, and B.) An acoustic piano dropped from a ballroom balcony in the rain, but it rarely ever rains anymore. “These minor chords sound exactly like the distance between us…” And the ocean? It belongs only to itself.


FIRE CONSUMES BUSINESSES NEAR FREEWAY

Fire consumes businesses near freeway the first Friday of every third month. The sign above tonight’s flaming building says: NEED CASH NOW. Now that the sign is on fire it’s no longer a sign. It is a smoldering metaphor. Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire (Yeats). The residents have gathered together this evening to watch the blaze. They swallow edible marijuana while sharing stories from the golden days of television. “There’s no business like unemployment.” The sign above the burning building is engulfed in flames. From our vantage point, the partially smoked sign says: - - - - - ASH NOW. From my perspective, there’s nothing wrong with this as a business model.


MODERN TIMES

I was determined to continue making silent films ... I was a pantomimist and in that medium I was unique and, without false modesty, a master.
--Chaplin

I met an aspiring comedian from Colorado at the marijuana dispensary. In the lobby she showed me her half-ironic Charlie Chaplin tattoo. It was a tramp stamp at the base of her spine featuring the Little Tramp’s face. We were intimate that night in her studio apartment in Echo Park and the entire ordeal was done in silence “in honor of Charlie’s legacy.” That’s what she said. We were high. The lights were on. Eventually I was behind her, looking down at Chaplin’s face looking up at me. When I pulled out I covered old Charlie’s eyes and then I cleaned him up with a sock. Afterward, I felt a strange kinship for all his films. I never saw that comedian or her tattoo again, but I’ve seen Modern Times at least a dozen times now. It’s my favorite film.


PILOTS

On the rooftop of a Hollywood hotel: the tourists eye the other tourists by the peanut-shaped pool. They’re drinking expensive rum drinks and oiling themselves down, reading books with titles like Alice in Chains Again and Cupids on Jet Skis. One woman whistles for the bartender. That’s me. Her drink isn’t going to refill itself. Her small son hunts insects in the faux grass with a magnifying glass. Our lifeguard is a licensed realtor, sells condos on the side in Silver Lake. Now the boy sees something beneath the magnifying glass and motions for me to look. So I look. Below the glass a black ant is smoldering to death in the magnified sunlight. The ant’s tiny antennae are smoking and this idiotic child is laughing. I deliver his mother her drink. “Some kid you’ve got there,” I say. “He’s a complete psychopath,” she says. “The world’s smallest CEO. He takes after his father. Rub some lotion on my back?” I oblige. “Thank you,” she says afterward. “Don’t mention it,” I say. “It’s my job.” “Well, you’re good at it,” she says. “Thanks,” I say, “But it’s not my real job. I’m an actor.” She cocks her head and says: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in anything. No, I remember faces and I don’t remember yours.” “I’ve mostly done pilots,” I say. “Pilots,” she says, winks: “I’ve done a few of those, too.”


THE GANGS OF ECHO PARK

The gangs have gone away. Priced out to Eagle Rock, El Sereno, and the innards of the Inland Empire. On weekends they return to their home turf in ancient Mercury’s and souped-up pickups. They do this as a way of reconnecting with their roots, staying true. And if it’s true what they say about place giving rise to spirit then the spirit of Echo Park is positively Western in an old Hollywood sense. Most Saturday nights culminate in a gunfight. Tonight is no exception. Shots ring out on Preston Avenue and echo on up to Avalon Street. Now a gangster is dead in a stairwell on Armitage. Tomorrow I will step under the police tape on my way to church. My church is a bar called the Gold Room on Sunset. You can get a PBR and shot of tequila for four bucks. The peanuts are free. I sit in a booth near the back, drinking and praying for work. I can’t tell if the drinking enhances the prayer or if the prayer improves the drink. Amen. Lord, hear our drinks.


EXTRAS

They give you fifty bucks a day to be an extra in the studio audience. The only prerequisite is that you are alive and then all you have to do is clap when they tell you to clap and laugh when they tell you to laugh. I was broke and needed cash fast for rent, which meant I was in the studio audience up in Century City. Ironically, it was a sitcom comedy that I’d auditioned for. I’d come close to getting one of the leads, but in the end they’d gone “a different direction.” Now the character I would’ve played was extolling brilliant life advice to his adopted daughter after she’d been booed off the stage at her student talent show. It was supposed to be one of those heartfelt moments where the audience says Awww and claps. All around me the crowd was awing and clapping, but I couldn’t contain myself: I was laughing. It was hilarious to me to think that had things gone a slightly different direction I’d have been down there on the stage making the big bucks and maybe that other hack actor would’ve been up here in the audience like myself, contemplating what might’ve been. Sure, I was laughing, but it wasn’t funny. And I was causing my own scene because I was supposed to be clapping. “Fucking A,” I said as I got up to leave. The man in the aisle seat glanced awkwardly at my crotch as I passed. “Excuse me,” I said. “Pardon me,” I said. “Sorry.” Yes, I left early, but they still gave me fifty bucks on the way out. I passed a line of extras waiting in the sun. Like most days, more had shown up than they needed.


OLD HOLLYWOOD

The United States is unusual among the industrial democracies in the rigidity of the system of ideological control––indoctrination, we might say––exercised through the mass media.
––Noam Chomsky

 

Originally the big film studios were located in Echo Park. It’s where they manufactured much of the American propaganda in the late 30s / early 40s. No one called it propaganda. During WWII the studios moved to Hollywood. Had they not, we’d have Echo Park to blame for our colossal misunderstanding of the world. We might say: I’m moving to Echo Park to make it. But I didn’t make it. I wanted to be an actor, to be a speck in the spectacle, but the further I got into the business, the more I mixed it with pleasure. It hurt. Then I woke up hung over one afternoon in my termite-infested apartment in Echo Park. I went to the balcony, took a few tokes from my e-cig, and I soaked it all in. Then I woke up again. My epiphany? I needed more epiphanies anyplace else.


GAME

The name of the game? Let’s call it “Termite Control.” It’s a game you––and by you I mean me––play at home periodically out of necessity that requires ridiculous amounts of concentration and fortitude where you spend hours on end staring at the hardwood floor in your apartment's living room, letting your eyes relax so you can see the floor: the whole floor, all of it, and you try and spot any sudden movement, and once you've seen some action, you go to the place and find the little hole in the hardwood where the termites are coming in from and you cover it with a piece of clear packaging tape. Sometimes this prevents the termites from entering the room for months. Other times, like now, they're back within minutes because they've found another access point. To wit: you've played this game nine times tonight and the night is still young. In terms of rules, there are no rules except for this: learn to lose. Learn to love to lose. There’s no winning this game (and it's a good life lesson!). Because when you move out come summer, someone, perhaps your slumlord, or maybe the slumlord's assistant, or the maybe even slumlord's cleaning crew, is going to wander in here and wonder why 2/3’s of the apartment's surface area is covered in clear packaging tape. “What’s going on here?” they might ask. Or: “Was he trying to pack the entire apartment?” And you'll have no answer to these questions because by then you'll be long, long gone.


CLIMATE CHANGE

California was behind me like a bad dream. I’d sold everything except for my motorcycle and a change of clothes. Now it was fall but it felt like spring. The seasons had turned strange. I was outside Houston, drinking with some old astronauts at the old astronaut bar. One guy had been to space. I asked him what he thought about climate change. He said, “I’ve been to space.” I said, “Yeah, what was that like?” He said, “It’s a lot like climate change. No one cares.”


Ryan Ridge is the author of the story collection Hunters & Gamblers, the poetry collection Ox, as well as the chapbooks Hey, It's America and 22nd Century Man. His latest book, American Homes, is out from the University of Michigan Press as part of their new 21st Century Prose series. His next collection, Camouflage Country, co-written with Mel Bosworth, is forthcoming from Queen's Ferry Press in December 2015. Past work can be found in NERVE, Fanzine, FLAUNT Magazine, and more. A former editor-in-chief of Faultline, he now edits Juked alongside his wife, Ashley Farmer. He is currently a visiting professor of creative writing at the University of Louisville. FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM: @AUTREMAGAZINE


[Non-Fiction] Sexy Lexi and The San Fernando Valley Fuck Switch a.k.a. Less Than Shapiro

Sexi Lexi and the San Fernando Valley Fuck Switch a.k.a Less Than Shapiro

by Max Barrie

 

To my critics… I wish you all of you peace, love and anal leakage.  But you’re not allowed to use my toilet.  Try the Chevron on the corner you hush-hush cocksuckers.

         Every word I type is true… I don’t do semi-fictional… I’m not James Frey.  Everyone has their version of things and this is mine.  The names are changed to protect the guilty, but that’s about as fictitious as I get.  ALSO, I wish I knew as much about me as all of you do.  If you have an opinion about my life or my recovery… if you think you know something OR see me as cookie cutter spoiled trash, I respect that.  You’re not wrong, but that is simply your take.  I’ll admit it stings a little when you flash your funhouse mirrors, then poke at me with your pedestrian solutions and tough love that I’m either too naive or too stubborn to adhere to.  If it didn’t hurt I wouldn’t be writing this.

                   When I say ONE THING, different people hear different things.  So just to go on record— I do not blame anyone for ME.  I tell MY stories, I report MY news.  I know us humans often look out the window instead of at our reflection because it sits better with our psyche… but believe me I spend plenty of time in the bathroom poking myself in the chest.  There are certainly people I wouldn’t thank during my Oscar speech but that doesn’t mean I sit around all day pointing my dick at every cunt I see.  I do believe that in this life there’s an ongoing “lack of insight” Bar-Mitzvah theme down every road I travel.  But at the end of the day I know I’m a lottery winner and ultimately responsible for my actions… not my thoughts… my actions— and making my way in the world.

         I am a fussy baby bitch that would be a blow up doll behind bars, but in front of my Macbook I’m anything but.  I’m King Shit of Turd Island and I will take you apart piece by piece for peace.  I will filet your nameless anus and cut off your anonymous tongue.  I promise.  Often in life I throw temper tantrums that nobody can hear… and if they do hear something, they think it’s the gardener and shut the window.  So hear this.  I want my turn on the seesaw, I want my twenty-percent-off coupon at Bed Bath and Beyond and I want a dirty girl with clear skin to fuck me gently.  So if my writing cracks open that door, hand me a Bic Pen and a napkin.

         But there’s more to my chicken scratch than desperately needing a voice or claiming a prize.  Selfishly I scribble to keep my head from bursting like a water balloon.  If I don’t constantly stay creative, you will inevitably find me at Ruth’s Chris on Beverly Drive, stuffing an entire ribeye into my body and spilling Heineken down my pants because it feels good.  Writing for me is pushing a never-ending shit-log out of an infinite asshole.  I keep it moving so I don’t get backed up.

         If I write for other people, which I’ve tried before, I’m in a great deal of danger.  I paint alone, I type alone and I’ll probably leave earth alone… unless it’s on Virgin Galactic.  Speaking of saying goodbye— I also write to make sure there’s documentation of all this silliness because I’m gonna be dead very soon.  I’ll be strolling down North Crescent to meet the vagina of my dreams… and before I reach the hotel entrance I’m gonna have a massive heart attack, hit my head on a wooden bench and bleed out on the pink walkway.  Later that day I’ll be offered a book deal.

Ladies and Gentlemen… may I present: Sexy Lexi        

         The actual vagina of my dreams was and will probably always belong to Lexi Shapiro.  I first heard her raspy voice on a three-way landline call when we were eleven years old.  She was a friend of a friend of mine.  He was a dick and his whole family were dildos, but at that age I would have followed him off the Malibu Pier because I thought he was cool.  I forget exactly why he introduced me to Lexi… but my guess is he wanted to show me that even at that young age he was no stranger to strange.  Soon the three of us met up at Century City— not the shopping mall, but the creepy complex across the street where the massive CAA building now shimmers.

         Lexi looked like Claire Forlani before I had ever seen Claire Forlani.  At eleven however, she was still quite subtle and wore thick glasses.  There was really nothing super unique about her… another half-Jewish girl from The Valley with dirty blonde hair.  Still, something happened when I first met her in person… those magnified peepers flipped a switch in my misshapen little mind.  And I couldn’t explain it then and I can’t really articulate it now… but the process would be irreversible.  To this day I regularly think about her.

         It was like all of a sudden I had a purpose in life and it was to make Lexi love me.  But how?  At the time I had recently seen Disney’s Aladdin… but I didn’t know Robin Williams, nor did we have Fuckheimer genie money.  I was also short and chubby with a puffy “butt cut—” as a result of Hebrew heritage and my 90’s Stussy image.  Winning her heart would be no humble feat.

         From sixth grade to age twenty-six any of my Lexi fairy tales would put you to sleep by 7:30pm.  But I’ll give you a bit of background.  Coincidently she and I ended up attending the same synagogue with our families, and sometimes we ate together… we spoke on the phone occasionally… we also kicked it at certain social gatherings.  And even though I was a Beverly Hills boy and she was a Valley girl, she introduced me to Il Tramezzino on Canon… much like Lexi, their “chicken special” would change the game forever.

         By the time we were fifteen her glasses came off… and her nose may have been adjusted.  Either that or she and every third girl I knew were accidentally breaking their beaks over summer break.  One night she wanted to see a chick flick at CityWalk.  I was balls deep in the friend zone and I didn’t even know it.  At the time I saw this as an opportunity, but feared my dick would explode and I would shit my pants before the movie started.  How would I make her see me the way that I perceived her, as a portal to some sort of earthy paradise?  It also didn’t help my case that I looked like the Jewish Eddie Munster.

         I found my dad in his home office and begged and pleaded with him to get me a Town Car and a driver for the evening.  In my mind the vehicle would serve two purposes.  One— I would give this Toluca Lake Tootsie a taste of the good life… and two— it would prevent any parental figures from fucking up my chance of a first kiss.  I was fifteen and would’ve easily picked making out over any amount of Apple stock.  These days I don’t even like kissing… the tongues, the saliva, the bacteria… get away from me.  If a mouth isn’t pristine, she might as well be wearing a Beekeeper’s mask during intercourse.

         My father, bless his heart, eventually gave in and ordered the Town Car.  Is it the right thing to do to get a ninth grader a car and driver for the evening?  My guess is many would object… but I think in some bizarro way he empathized with how twisted up I was over this Lexi situation.  And at that time I truly believed she was the answer to my cancer.


"Moaning and groaning in ecstasy…  clearly this reaction was drug induced because anytime I had fooled around with women in the past, they usually reacted like my dog ate their homework.  Of course I’m referring to the ladies that weren’t handing me an invoice after I ejaculated."


         She did seem impressed by the chaffered car, but the flash didn’t aid my confidence.  Never did, never will.  And after sitting through a horrific Gwyneth Paltrow movie in Universal City, nothing magical happened on or off-screen.  I remember her hugging me when the car dropped her at home… and I recall feeling sorrow and shame during the ride back to my Dad’s place.  I even assumed the driver thought I was on the down-low.

         So many similar stories.  Some of them with Lexi, but also many of them with my imaginary girlfriend, Abigail.  When Abby finally gave me head after senior prom, she wouldn’t even swallow my make-believe semen.  My real date that night was supposedly a Seventeen model and treated me like I was contagious.

Years later

         I was twenty-six years young when I had dinner with Lexi at a Greek restaurant on Larchmont.  This evening would not end until sunrise.  And there’s not much of a story to tell, but this night was quite significant for me.  If you asked her today, I’m sure she wouldn’t even remember.  I was sober, but she sure as hell wasn’t.  Even five years later I believed that had this one adventure gone differently, life would’ve been kitten biscuits.

         Before ye judge, no one was taken advantage of.  I’m an asshole, but I’m not a fucking asshole.

         Dinner eventually led us to a Hollywon’t night spot.  I shelled out several hundred dollars for a fully loaded table, but I didn’t touch the poison on it… I was dry for some reason.  I was the designated driver, but that couldn’t have been the reason.  There was a Led Zeppelin cover band playing and I could feel my pulse in my eardrums.  To this day whenever I hear “Whole Lotta Love” I have PTSD.

         Lexi kept drinking booze at our table and taking frequent trips to the bathroom.  I was so lost in my head that it didn’t occur to me until later that she was doing blow… a lot of it.  She eventually revealed her voodoo vial of bright white, but I wasn’t having any.  I heard my Step-Mother’s voice— “One sniff could be your last.”  I did cocaine for the first time later that year with my buddy Blooper.  I remember I pulled out a one-dollar bill and Bloop explained that higher currency was probably less contaminated— which actually made sense even though the product had just been up someone’s ass.  Still, like Lexi and the “chicken special,” lines would become shape-shifters in my game.

         After the nightclub, I could walk you through the night beat by beat.  But I’d like to speed it up a tad because this isn’t MY magazine, it’s just MY column in someone else’s magazine… and I’m lucky to have it.

         I ended up driving Lexi’s car because she was so toe-up.  I didn’t realize until that evening how hard she liked to party.  Booze and blow… then while we’re cruising down Wilshire Boulevard, she pops the glovebox and a giant honey jar of Kush falls into her lap.  She can’t stop laughing… at this point I’m freaking out inside— convinced jail is just a BOOP-BOOP away.  But I’m playing it cool or at least Larry David’s version of cool.  Lexi soon wants to stop for rolling papers and also mentions that she wants to… fuck me in half.  Huh?  Can you not rinse but repeat that?

         After fifteen long years the girl of my dreams who always looked at me like a My Buddy Doll, saw me the way I saw her… only it was through very thick beer goggles.  We grabbed Zig-Zags at Rite-Aid and drove to The Valley, while she proceeded to get very stoned.  At one point while I was driving she leaned over and stuck her tongue in my ear… I nearly drove into a mountain.

         At the time I was renting a loft in Hancock Park, but I never bought furniture… don’t ask.  I had this big empty apartment with a desk and a mattress on the floor.  By now Lexi was so high and horny I could’ve fucked her in Griffith Park and told her it was the New Outdoor Marriott.  But I didn’t do that.  And I was too ashamed to bring her back to my place… so we headed toward her family’s home where she was staying.

         The story doesn’t end there… who am I kidding, it basically does.  Before we reached her destination she instructed me to pull over on a quiet street off of Beverly Glen.  I did as I was told.  Lexi crawled over into the driver’s seat and straddled me… we started kissing passionately and she looked like she was literally in heaven.  Moaning and groaning in ecstasy…  clearly this reaction was drug induced because anytime I had fooled around with women in the past, they usually reacted like my dog ate their homework.  Of course I’m referring to the ladies that weren’t handing me an invoice after I ejaculated.

         I started using my fingers on Lexi and she went wild… but when she pulled her panties further to the side and went for the yogurt gun, I stopped her.  “We shouldn’t do this.”  As I’m writing now I want to hop in Doc’s DeLorean, travel back in time and punch myself in the fucking eye!  I suppose I didn’t want to take advantage of a drunk girl… and I didn’t want to cum inside her… and I didn’t want to get caught by the authorities… and what if she had HPV and I became a carrier?

         I drove her home, parked her car and she gracefully stumbled toward her front door.  She asked how I would get back?  And like we were kids, I spun a story of a driver that would come pick me up.  Lexi smiled and said goodnight.  Walking up Ventura Boulevard before sunrise was beyond depressing… I eventually called a cab.  On the ride back I felt what I can only describe as hollow torment.

         In my youth I was spit on, hit with food, threatened, blackmailed, slapped, kicked, name-called, humiliated, overlooked, ignored, criticized, isolated and labeled learning disabled.  I was not always, but often in the thick of it… and I’m NOT feeling sorry for myself you mummies!  I want to try and understand how come after years of battle in Cost Angeles, I let Lexi Shapiro’s magical vagina literally slip through my fingers?  Do I just “like the way it hurts” like Rihanna?  I don’t think I’m a nice guy… well, nice-ish at times.  Maybe unconsciously I knew that if I stuck it in I’d beat the game, then wake up only to relive this Lifemare all over?

            I tried tirelessly, but Lexi wouldn’t see me again after that.  She has since left Los Angeles and started a family.


Max Barrie is a writer and artist currently based in Los Angeles. The son of screenwriters, Michael Barrie and Sally Robinson, Max was born and raised in Beverly Hills, California. With acerbic wit and self deprecating humor, Max documents his life growing up in the shallow, superficial depths of Beverly Hills and the Hollywood machine. In his multiple part autobiographical series, entitled A Trendy Tragedy, Max will explore his bouts with addiction, prostitution and his search for identity in a landscape that is rife with temptation and false ideals. 

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[NON FICTION] A Stab at Suicide—I’ve Always Got a Joker in my Deck

A Stab At Suicide—I've Always Got a Joker In My Deck

by Max Barrie

 

I’m not a danger to myself… but what if living is unnecessary? 

         Frankly, unless death resembles LAX, I’m a supporter.  I DO worry about unnecessary suffering.  But we live in such a toxic environment, how can poison possibly be avoided?  On a planet where no one is safe, where no day is free, and enemies are at arms length.  The food is processed, the air is polluted, the water contaminated.

         I was born in August of ’82.  It was at Cedars-Sinai and I came out SCREAMING!  My theory is— as soon as the cold air hit me, I realized I had been evicted and hadn’t had time to get dressed.  My unsolicited birth would soon become a metaphor for my FANCY FUCKED life— with which I was rarely impressed.  And while breathing came highly recommended and everybody was doing it, I eventually concluded that a lot like college— life wasn’t for everybody.

         A bipolar comedian that I worked for in 2006 said to me— “Max, I’ve always got a joker in my deck.”  He attributed the quote to Hunter S. Thompson.  What the expression meant was— I can exit the game at any time by offing myself.  The saying made sense to me, so I had it tattooed on my left arm… which is now covered up by a scorpion.  In 2009 I awoke to an early morning phone call from the comedian’s Uncle.  He was sobbing and told me that my funny former employer, who’s career had stalled, was found hanging from a tree in a wooded area.  I didn’t really know what to say or how to feel… I hung up uncomfortably numb and thought of a joker— a devilish little clown with a shit-eating grin.  This was not my first experience with premature death, but it was the first time I knew someone who had intentionally cut things short.  It would not be the last.

         I never had access to a rocket, but my plan to leave earth had always been brewing.  I obsessed over death as a child and ultimately in my late 20’s I would make half a dozen BOOZE-FUELED trips to The Cold Spring Bridge out in Santa Ynez.  This was before the suicide barriers were installed.  I had read that out of all the jumps off Cold Spring no one had survived.  I would drive nearly two hours… from LA, down the 101 into Santa Barbara… then up into the mountains along Route 154.  Honestly it’s a miracle that I didn’t crash, kill anyone, or get arrested during any of these grisly expeditions.  I drove into the elevated darkness with one purpose each time… but once I arrived at the bridge I could never get out of my car.  Truth is I was petrified.

         By 2014 I BELIEVED my torture had at last outweighed my terror.  I was again fresh out of sober living, now WORKING in drug treatment, and soon back on anything 80 proof with coke… and I don’t mean Classic.  It didn’t take long for me to crumble… it never does once you add venom.  After a couple weeks the word was out.  My roommate wanted me gone, my family wouldn’t have me around, and I was back to lying and stealing.  How many times could I keep dancing this jig?  My feet were tired.  What now, another treatment facility?  Additional counseling?  More mindless prayer with nudniks… fuck that shit.  I thought— why not just quit while I’m behind?

         So I “tried” to kill myself.  And maybe I actually succeeded… maybe I’m dead right now and not really writing this?  Wouldn’t surprise me if Beetlejuice walked in and asked to borrow some Scotch Tape.  Anyway, when I awoke on April 9th of last year I snatched a bottle of vodka, stole a bottle of muscle relaxers, and gassed up my hybrid with a roll and a half of quarters.  Then I drove to a place where lots of people go when they’ve given up all hope— The Valley.

         I maneuvered my way down into Chatsworth, shut off my iPhone and parked my car in a low-key area.  My windows were tinted.  I climbed into the back seat and began drinking and popping pills…

Lights dim… 100…99…98…and frog thoughts… 

         Next thing I know I hear my roommate’s voice far off in the darkness: “Hey, where are ya buddy?”  Then we’re abruptly both in his car driving fast on the freeway— a lit cigarette falls out of my mouth and burns a hole in my jeans… suddenly I’m in some emergency waiting room… my Dad enters and I have trouble walking… a nurse helps me, then comes the charcoal.

         I don’t know how much vodka I drank and I’m not sure how many pills I took… but clearly it wasn’t enough to carry out my exit strategy.  I’m convinced today that had I really wanted to die I would have swallowed every pill in that bottle and never turned my iPhone back on.  Yup.  At some point I don’t remember, I turned on my iPhone, answered it and explained to my roommate where I was.

         My roommate was an 80’s James Spader asshole type, but I loved him in some bizarre non-homosexual us against the world way.  After all this happened he stopped talking to me… and now it’s like he was never really there to begin with.

***

         Many say life is bittersweet, and I can’t really argue with them.  But from my perspective if someone barfs on my Bay Cities sandwich, I don’t ponder the unsullied tomato on the end.  My lunch has been FUCKED and now I have to get back in line or walk over to Swingers— the most annoying restaurant in the history of food.  That’s my take on life.  If you talk to me about balance, I’ll tell you to shampoo my lunchbox.  The bad stuff contaminates everything else and I’d like to speak to God’s supervisor, Mr. Davidson.  On many occasions I see people trudging through everlasting slime… and I get why they want out and I believe it’s their right.  Whether the problem’s terminal cancer or stale popcorn, who says you have to stick around?  Life’s a gift, this bodysuit is mine, and that is fucking that.


"Mummies and dummies continue to fuck like there’s a pussy shortage and then reproduce like rats.  There’s too many of us, there’s not enough resources, and global warming’s gonna melt all the ice by 2040.  Death may actually be a much needed vacation."


         Mummies and dummies continue to fuck like there’s a pussy shortage and then reproduce like rats.  There’s too many of us, there’s not enough resources, and global warming’s gonna melt all the ice by 2040.  Death may actually be a much needed vacation.  I think most of us just have contempt prior to investigation.  I’ll tell you what’s worse than death… yesterday I was in an Uber carpool with two Asian girls who couldn’t stop saying “LIKE…” gangsta rap was on the radio, and the driver only took streets where the magnified sun seared my skin off.

         That said, and even though I happen to be pro-choice long after birth, I do have soul.  It may be a warped black pretzel, but it’s still edible.

         Here’s the BIG PROBLEM with killing yourself, unless you’re Kris Jenner.  Kidding.  But honestly, a stewardess who gobbled cocks in Calabasas and then sold her children for shekels?!  We’re so gullible.  The PROBLEM is when you take your own life, you’re also destroying other lives.  And that will never be ok in my estimation.  When I was drunk and high I used to wanna believe it was nobody’s problem but mine.  But I often got behind the wheel… and I said regrettable things… and I didn’t show up for work… and I once pissed in someone’s dryer until it wasn’t a dryer anymore.  When I was under the influence it quickly became everybody’s problem.

         We often feel that we’re separate or different just in general, but it’s amplified when we’re depressed or ready to check out.  Fortunately or unfortunately we’re not independent.  Everyone’s a part of something more than their own ass.  People are connected, lives are tied in with other lives.  You’re a link… and it’s not polite to break the chain for selfish reasons. 

         That comedian who hung himself had a wife and three small boys at home.  He had a sobbing Uncle who called me… he had other family and friends and people he worked with… he permanently and negatively affected other lives.  We could even go a step further and discuss the ripple effect of that.  It’s kind of like barfing on that Bay Cities sandwich.

I’ll end with this…  

         I never thought I gave a shit until I met Adam in treatment last year.  We shared a room for thirty days and I fuckin’ hated him immediately.  He walked loud, he talked loud, he left his shit everywhere.  He was a spoiled cunt muscle who regularly begged me to write a screenplay with him, only he had no story.  Adam had migrated from bumblefuck to Beverly Hills after college and basically struck gold… but then he lost everything… even his trophy wife.  All day long this putz would talk about every cent he made and squandered, and in group he would explore his new life with, and I quote— “mediocre women.”  He actually said this.

         I complained to him and about him, I shit—talked him, I ignored him.  In my eyes he was a spoiled child who’d run out of DoubleStuf Oreos— Mr. Veruca Salt.  But sometimes he sat with me in front of the TV and talked about killing himself… and I still didn’t buy it.  He just wanted sympathy, so once I said— “Ya know Adam, some people have to leave the party early.”

         He checked out on a Friday after his thirty days were up, while I stayed on for an additional month.  I remember he hugged me by the front door in the morning and grabbed his bags.  He got in the backseat of a small Honda, but he had that Lincoln Town Car look in his eyes.  I never saw him again.

         Adam texted me the next day saying he was out with friends, but still complained about his horrible life.  I think I told him to “hang in there” or some bullshit… then deleted the text.  Then on Sunday Adam went to a shooting range, coincidently in The Valley… and he blew his head off.

         When word got back, everyone in the treatment facility was visibly shaken.  The patients, the doctors, the staff.  I even saw some tears.  I didn’t feel anything at first, but I did think about Adam’s parents back in the small town where he came from… as he was an only child.  And while I wish I had been more compassionate and less judgmental during his life, I don’t take any responsibility for his death.  Shit… maybe a little.

            That first night after he died— when I got into bed and the lights went out, I was instantly flooded and overwhelmed with memories of Adam… one of him eating chocolate cake in the living room with his hands… he said to me: “This is the stuff that makes life worth living.”  Then I thought of that joker— a devilish little clown with a shit-eating grin… and then a voice in my head told me I needed to live.  These days I’m not so sure anymore.


Max Barrie is a writer and artist currently based in Los Angeles. The son of screenwriters, Michael Barrie and Sally Robinson, Max was born and raised in Beverly Hills, California. With acerbic wit and self deprecating humor, Max documents his life growing up in the shallow, superficial depths of Beverly Hills and the Hollywood machine. In his multiple part autobiographical series, entitled A Trendy Tragedy, Max will explore his bouts with addiction, prostitution and his search for identity in a landscape that is rife with temptation and false ideals. 

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[NON-FICTION] Coals To Newcastle: Remembering Chris Burden

Coals To Newcastle: Remembering Chris Burden

by Bruce Licher

1978 was the year everything changed.  The energy of punk rock had blown open the doors of creative expression for a new generation the year before, and now that was rapidly morphing into post-punk as more young people with other creative ideas wanted to join in and create some new noise. It was during that time that I found myself as an undergraduate in the Art Department at UCLA, discovering new sights and sounds and possibilities. I had spent my first 2 years at UCLA getting all my general ed requirements out of the way while I tried to figure out what it was I actually wanted to do with my life.  After a year in the Design department I realized that it was more satisfying to be creative without having the end result distorted by other people’s ideas of what was best, so switched my major to Fine Art and found a new creative energy.

When it was announced that Chris Burden would be joining the UCLA Arts faculty to teach a class called “New Forms & Concepts,” it was as if someone had dropped a new color into the palette that we undergrads could now work with.  Chris’ reputation preceded him such that some students couldn’t wait to take his class while others weren’t sure it was something they really wanted to be exposed to.  Either way, none of us had any idea of what would actually happen in the class, and I was one of those who jumped in to find out that first term. 

What I learned, and what I experienced with the other 20 or so students, completely turned my mind around to what was possible to do in the name of ART.  In addition, the experience also pointed me in the direction I would take with my life. Not only did I realize through Chris Burden that anything was possible, that anything could be ART, but in that class I also met Brent Wilcox and Tim Quinn, two of the members of a fledgling avant garde musical group called NEEF.  It wasn’t long before I joined NEEF on weekends to make noise in the art studios of Dickson Hall, where we recorded our debut 7” EP, pressing 163 copies because that was how many we got back from the pressing plant for the $40 that each of the 5 of us in the band contributed to press them up. 

Making our own record was a kick, and I caught the record-making bug and decided to make my own record, signing up for an Independent Project course and asked Chris Burden if he would be my faculty adviser on the project.  He of course said yes, and I was off to record a batch of noisy art rock pieces with Brent and a few other

friends. I pressed up 300 copies, silk-screening label art directly on the records, and included a photo postcard from an experimental industrial film I’d made in the UCLA Animation Department (the only film-making class a non-film major could take).  When I’d completed the project I gave Chris a few copies of the record and he seemed pleased.  Don’t know if he ever kept them, but “Project 197” (the course number) became the first release on my Independent Project Records label, and I was more than happy with the results.

Towards the end of that first class with Chris, I mentioned to him that if he ever needed an assistant on one of his performances I’d be interested in helping him with whatever he needed.  Several weeks later he got back to me and said that he was planning a trip to Calexico to do a piece where he would fly a model airplane across the border into Mexico, with several “bombs” of marijuana attached under the wings.  Would I be interested in going with him, to share the driving as well as help document the piece by photographing the action?  Of course I jumped at the opportunity and said yes. 

The plan was to drive to Calexico in the afternoon, check into a motel for the night, and the next morning we would drive to an inconspicuous place along the border where he would fly his rubber-band powered toy plane over the fence into Mexico.  As with most of Chris’ early performances, there was an aura of danger involved, as not only was marijuana much more illegal than it is now, but to be caught doing something suspicious at the border would also have had consequences (though I can’t imagine being able to do what he did now in these days of border hysteria).


"As with most of Chris’ early performances, there was an aura of danger involved, as not only was marijuana much more illegal than it is now, but to be caught doing something suspicious at the border would also have had consequences."


I gave Chris my address, and on the designated day he and his girlfriend picked me up in his car.  I tossed my overnight bag in the trunk and climbed into the back seat for the drive to Calexico.  We arrived in the late afternoon, checking into a non-descript motel, and then Chris and I drove out of town on the road that paralleled the border on the US side, scoping out where he might do the piece the following morning.  Calexico and Mexicali are kind of like one big city/town, divided by a fence down the middle. The only difference was that Mexicali (on the Mexican side) seemed to be about 5 times bigger than Calexico, as the barrios stretched for miles on the other side of the fence, where it was dusty open desert on the US side.  This gave the location a somewhat surreal feeling, that there was a bustling city where people lived and carried on with their lives just past the fence, while on the US side it was a desolate and uninspiring desert.

After dinner Chris and I decided to cross the border and walk around Mexicali for the evening.  Chris’ girlfriend stayed back at the motel to rest as it seemed that she was coming down with something.  Mexicali seemed more colorful by far than Calexico, filled with life and small shops. I don’t remember us buying anything, but at one point when we were about to head back I stepped off a high curb into a pothole in the dark and twisted my ankle really bad.  I was in serious pain as I hobbled back to the motel, Chris helping me to walk, as I could barely put any pressure on my foot.  It didn’t seem that I had broken anything, so we got an ice pack at the motel and I did my best to get some sleep with my ankle throbbing in pain. 

Morning arrived after a fitful sleep, and Chris knocked at my door at around 7 AM as we’d planned.  It was raining pretty solidly, and had been for some time during the night.  We had breakfast and discussed how this would affect the plan, finally deciding to wait awhile and see if it would stop. By this time Chris’ girlfriend had come down with some pretty serious flu symptoms, and I could barely walk.  My ankle was swollen and I was still in a lot of pain, but I told him I was up for whatever he needed me to do, as long as I could physically do it. 

As the rain began to lighten up we decided to check out of the motel and head out the road along the border in hopes that we could find a clear place for him to do the piece. We drove several miles to the area we had scoped out the night before, and pulled off the side of the road so Chris could see if this felt like the right place for him to do the piece.  He wasn’t quite sure, so got back in to head down the road a bit further, only to find that we were now stuck in the mud by the side of the road.  Two of us would have to push the car while the other steered it back onto the pavement, and as much as I would have been fine with standing in the mud and rain pushing the car back onto the highway, there was no way with my twisted ankle that I could physically do it. 

So I ended up behind the wheel of the car while Chris and his very sick girlfriend got out and pushed.  Fortunately it didn’t take much to get the car back on the road, and by this time the rain had tapered off to a light drizzle.  At this point Chris decided to just do it here and now, so we parked the car part way on the road so we wouldn’t get stuck again and he opened the trunk to get out his planes. Chris had made several of the planes he planned to use, to make sure that if he had any problems with one plane that he’d have a backup to use. Chris handed me his camera and asked me to start taking pictures. I hobbled back a few feet and began shooting images of him preparing the first plane for flight.  In the one photo that is often used to document the piece you can see the tracks in the mud from where we had to push the car to get it free.  As I recall, Chris had to make several attempts, and to get close enough to the wall so that the rubber-band powered plane would make it over and into Mexico.  He was finally successful, and I remember snapping one image of the plane flying over the wall, with houses in the background on the other side.  As soon as the plane made it over the fence, Chris smiled and seemed very pleased, and we walked back to the car.  On the drive back to town we wondered who would find the plane and it’s cargo, and what they would do with it. 

I never saw all of the photos I shot of Chris that day, though there weren’t that many, as it was all done and over with rather quickly.  I remember seeing a few of them that ended up being published in High Performance magazine, and then there’s the one image of Chris and his plane that is most often used as documentation for the piece. I wish I’d been able to shoot more images, but under the circumstances it’s rather amazing that we got as many as we did.

So thank you Chris, for offering a young undergrad the chance of a lifetime, to be there and to be a part of one of your unique creations. It was an experience that has stayed with me all these years in more ways than one, as I still occasionally need a chiropractor to help pull out the kinks in my right ankle. But I also thank you for coming to work at UCLA when you did, and for opening my eyes to possibilities I never would have otherwise encountered.  You were by far the best teacher I ever had.


Bruce Licher is the founding member of the LA post-punk band Savage Republic and instrumental post-rock band Scenic. He is also the owner and founder of Independent Project Records and the associated graphic design firms Independent Project Press and Licher Art & Design.

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[NON-FICTION] Superficial Stockholm Syndrome… I was kidnapped, raised in Lost Angeles and bought into it

Superficial Stockholm Syndrome…I was kidnapped, raised in Lost Angeles and bought into it

by Max Barrie

 One of my favorite Kanye West songs is “Can’t Tell Me Nothing.”  And my favorite line is the first one—  “I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven, when I awoke, I spent that on a necklace…”  What I hear is— I’m sacrificing a bright future for material crap. 

In LA especially, real money is regularly pissed away.

         As far back as Henry Hill could remember, he always wanted to be a gangster.  Well as far back as I can remember, I always wanted your approval.  In grade school I longed for three things— a girlfriend, a growth spurt, and athletic prowess.  Basically I just wanted to be loved… I saw those three things as ways in.  Any love that did come my way was never enough or it wasn’t the right kind.  Years later, a bottomless pit of need for booze, at that age it was rainbows I wanted to mainline.

         The one person who loved me unconditionally was my doting obsessive compulsive grandmother, Miriam.  I was the firstborn grandson and in her eyes I could do no wrong.  In her company, I had the Midas touch and did whatever the hell I wanted— as long as I didn’t choke on it or drown in it.  Conveniently, she also schooled me on the harmful nature of germs and dirt and instructed me on how to keep everything, including myself, spotless.  To this day I have a bottle of rubbing alcohol by my nightstand.  Hey, ya just never know.

         My therapist often refers to the self-esteem movement of the 1980’s as being a colossal mistake.  She says it was a time when many professionals instructed parents to give their children constant positive reinforcement no matter what— but this according to her, would unfortunately set up an unrealistic environment for kids that the real world would inevitably swallow.

         I do not believe my parents, nor my Grandmother were briefed on this movement. 

         My Mom and Dad loved me, but were often busy and Miriam rarely left my side.  I think she just happened to be a human version of a Care Bear and actually believed that I was going to somehow save the Jewish people in the 21st century.  Up until her death in 2011 no one ever loved me as much as she did.  Since the beginning I wanted my Grandmother’s love on tap, but that wasn’t possible.  Like my therapist explains now, she was no match for the “real world” that eventually swallowed me whole.  In the 80’s and 90’s, not only did I NOT receive this first class treatment in her absence, I often got the exact opposite. 

         $$$

         Ok, lets fast-forward to high school… it was 1997 and I was even more lost in the sauce.  Now remember where this story takes place… yep, Hollycould.  And by the time I was fourteen years old I was convinced I had a few things figured out.  Mastery never came to me socially, academically or athletically, but now I saw people around town and at school just like me… small people… goofy people… maybe unattractive or even mean people, and they were WINNING— like Charlie Sheen would so eloquently describe years later after a crack run.

         High school for me is where things really shifted.  Instead of just day-dreaming, I saw that attainable greatness was readily for sale.  Shangri-La was all around me or so I thought.  Good looks, brains or throwing a football didn’t necessarily get you access… we didn’t even have a football team in this private society.  If you wanted to be known, fully equipped with acceptance in our viper’s nest— you needed a last name followed by a minimum of seven zeros.  A BMW, drugs, and a large home were also quite helpful.

         Now this isn’t new… this is textbook Scarface Machiavelli shit.  Money equals power equals women equals “winner winner, Sheen dinner!”  This formula has gone on everywhere, all over the place, since the beginning.  So what makes tinseltown unlike an oil dynasty or the people who invented the vagina?  LA is the epicenter of magic store horse shit… and everyone wants to know or wants to BELIEVE they know what’s happening on these insincere streets.  If life’s looking sweet, people can dream… and if the forecast is doom and gloom— who doesn’t love dirty laundry?


"I almost drowned in SoCal’s sea of superficial diarrhea… and I’m not out of the deep doo yet. The fact that I haven’t blown my brains out— is well… not really that miraculous. I’m a big pink muffin and I’m afraid that if I make my exit too soon, I’ll just be shit out someplace worse… like Sylmar."


         In my experience money in Hollywon’t is generally new, often flashy, and turns everyone into warped bloodthirsty vampires— just dying for a taste.  What’s also different about LA is it brings the word “COLD” to a new level… and I don’t mean the weather.  It’s like if COLD smoked crack with Charlie, hopped in a Tesla and shot down a crowded sidewalk on a Sunday afternoon.  Los Angeles is THAT cold… and this lack of compassion and authenticity mostly stems from a desire to win a race that doesn’t really exist.

         Am I even making sense at this point?  Probably not.  Starting out I was a nice kid who eventually became a product of his environment.  The guys who drove Ferraris were dating supermodels with names like Elsaleena.  And the poor bastard in the Camry was jerking-off a lot or hit the jackpot with some fatty ginger he met at Coffee Bean.  I saw this bubblegum bullshit day after day after FUCKING day… and soon I started to resent my father for not owning more homes. 

         I’m not even sure I liked Ferraris at first, but I sure as hell started to.  When I was fourteen, if I wasn’t watching “The Way We Were” with my Grandmother, I often felt lonely and out of place— especially in a crowd of my contemporaries.  And all the dicks and cunts in the vicinity claimed that my salvation was at Nobu.  “Maxie, honey baby— heaven awaits at that back table right next to David Duchovny."  And these weren’t just my peers, these were their parents… pretty much everyone I knew.

         I escaped or snapped out of “Superficial Stockholm syndrome” at around 30 years old… after sixteen long years in.  As I’m typing this I feel like one of those former Scientology members from that HBO documentary.  “Yes, LRH was my homie and I worshipped Xenu and 75 million years ago I battled aliens with John Travolta. Yes.”  Sounds crazy, right?  Rodeo Drive ain’t that different… it’s just tangible bullshit instead of fairytales.  “No, Max you’re wrong!  It’s Bvlgari, look at how it sparkles, this is the answer I’ve been waiting for.”  We cling to exquisite nonsense because thats where we see a crowd and a fuss forming.  And I am absolutely being judgmental, but I’m also empathetic because I ran with the affected herd for 16 fiscal years!

         Five years ago I was walking around the Malibu Colony thinking God had officially made my dick look bigger.  I was actually so stoned, I probably whipped it out and showed the natives.  It was an afternoon on the 4th of July and I was drinking and smoking joints that I had meticulously laced with Xanax… next thing ya know it’s pitch dark and I’m being forcibly removed from this snooty settlement.  And not one of my “friends” was anywhere in sight.  I’m not blaming anyone, I made my bed… but when I phoned a buddy in a holidaze near PCH, I find out everyone’s partying at a nightclub fifteen miles away.  With friends like these, who needs enemas?! 

         The next seventy-two hours were a nightmare.  I had been humiliated, I was now isolated and melting into a Tempur-Pedic mattress at Mommy’s house.  I could literally see toxic odors seeping out of my pores.  This was not a unique tale in my travels, nor am I pointing the finger at this bizarre beach village.  What I’m saying is this— wherever I went, there I was.  The only place my cock ever grew was in my fucked delusional mind.

         I don’t claim to be a teacher or a professor, and I fear that I come off like a self-proclaimed know-it-all in my prattling.  I don’t believe I KNOW anything, I just pitch my version.  I’m all for everybody doing whatever they want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone.  But my unsolicited advice would be make sure it’s YOU that really wants something and not just the general consensus.

         I almost drowned in SoCal’s sea of superficial diarrhea… and I’m not out of the deep doo yet.  The fact that I haven’t blown my brains out— is well… not really that miraculous.  I’m a big pink muffin and I’m afraid that if I make my exit too soon, I’ll just be shit out someplace worse… like Sylmar.  So it’s a combo of FEAR and some GOOD FORTUNE that’s kept me alive.  The good fortune being a series of random events and chance encounters that we’ll discuss some other time.  I don’t take credit for ninety percent of my pulse… but that doesn’t mean I’m thanking Xenu either.  The truth is that I don’t know.  All I can do is maintain my ten percent through continued self-examination, while remaining cautious, yet open.

            What I’ve come to understand after being a Stepford Jew for 16 years is… we’re all struggling on this cruise ship together and we’re all headed to the same marina.  Lets have a nice ride, shall we?  If you’re on a WINNING streak after a crack binge with Charlie, MAYBE USE YOUR MONEY WISELY?  Perhaps symbiotically improve your life while improving the lives of others?  Don’t worry, if you do end up buying your way into heaven, I’m sure there’s a Westfield mall up there where you can purchase chinchilla bell bottoms.


Max Barrie is a writer and artist currently based in Los Angeles. The son of screenwriters, Michael Barrie and Sally Robinson, Max was born and raised in Beverly Hills, California. With acerbic wit and self deprecating humor, Max documents his life growing up in the shallow, superficial depths of Beverly Hills and the Hollywood machine. In his multiple part autobiographical series, entitled A Trendy Tragedy, Max will explore his bouts with addiction, prostitution and his search for identity in a landscape that is rife with temptation and false ideals. 

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[Non-Fiction] Beauty and the Light-Switch are Thick As Thieves

photograph by Helmut Newton

Beauty and the Light-Switch are Thick As Thieves

by Max Barrie

Big fake tits and a peach scented ass turns me on.  It always has…I’d like to think I’m better than that…that quick wit and kindness gets the blood pumping. But, no…not so much.

The first time I went to Midsummer Night’s Dream at The Playboy Mansion was in 2005.  I was sober at the time, but just strolling around the property got me high.  Girls in their underwear — all the blonde hair, the big boobs and the fun fruity smells.  I was in heaven.  Being invited there got me a little female attention that night…but I was (and am) a “nobody,” so ultimately the centerfolds and cyber girls made their way over to Bill Maher and Brett Ratner. Bastards.

It only takes a touch of bullshit to make most girls like you. In 2006 I fucked a Floridian waitress simply because she saw the zip code on my driver’s license…90210.  The next day she told me she loved me, and I phoned my doctor for antibiotics because while I was riding her ass, I noticed she was coughing a lot.

Anyway, since childhood I had assumed Hefner was hiding all the answers behind those big black gates.  Ol’ Dick Daddy had the keys to the kingdom and with them came the secret to happiness.  Slowly I learned I couldn’t have been more wrong.  The more often I went, my natural high wore off.  By 2008, I was back on the sauce and The Playboy Mansion had (in my mind) become a haunted house with spooky pussy.


"Eventually, I ended up relapsing at a whorehouse in Nevada — drinking, drugging and charging five grand on my Bloomingdales Visa card." 


The girls that I longed for were never interested in me, so I finally started drinking when I was 13 years old— held out as long as I could. I was small, I was shy, I was simply “friend material.”  So I turned to the bottle for solace. There were other reasons why I started partying all by myself, but being denied vagina access topped the list.

I didn’t lose my virginity until I was nearly 20. I fucked my girlfriend on my father’s living-room sofa in Westwood. It was such a creepy little house, that was later bulldozed and built into a McMansion. This wild beauty who was willing to accept my average size penis had already been with TWELVE GUYS. Of course I lied and said that I too was very experienced. The sex was terrible. Using a condom made me imagine I was wearing a wetsuit in the shower…it was happening, but nothing was being accomplished.  I knew I was inside her, but couldn’t really feel her sugar walls. Anyway, I ended up falling in love with this girl…but as perfect as she was, I couldn’t stay faithful and ultimately I couldn’t respect someone who accepted me.  I’m truly sorry…her not being there today will forever be one of my deepest regrets.

         $$$

In and out of “addiction recovery” since 1997, by 2002 I had started hanging out with a shady cast of characters in the twelve-step world.  These fellas, although sober and many spoken for. introduced me to massage parlors and prostitution via the Internet. 

Paranoid already, at first the possibility of being arrested kept me away from any illegal activities.  But soon the itch needed to be scratched and I became a regular…justifying my bad behavior like any good sober alcoholic: “Well, hookers are better than drugs.”  Better for me perhaps, but I’m not sure about these poor women.  “Poor” is the wrong word.  Sometimes I’d pay up to a thousand dollars an hour.  I convinced myself they’d be blowing somebody and that because I wasn’t Don Simpson, everything was cool.  They were usually high-class call girls and porn stars… and still on several occasions I couldn’t go through with it.  Some ladies looked so far fucked that I couldn’t get too close.  I would hand them the cash and get out of there.  Does that mean I’m redeemable…?  Certainly not,  I’m just talking.

Eventually, I ended up relapsing at a whorehouse in Nevada — drinking, drugging and charging five grand on my Bloomingdales Visa card.  The Madam asked me if I got discounts and points.  Indeed I did.  Anyway, the girls at this slutty sorority seemed to find me entertaining— probably because I was young and from Los Angeles.  I also bought them pot, Jack In The Box, and forked over five grand… so there was that.  And even though I was so high I was barely able to bang it out with one of ‘em, it was the most fulfilling and disturbing experience of my life.  Fulfilling because of all the female attention… disturbing because it was a whorehouse in Nevada.

So many superficial stories — like the threesome I’ve never had or the woman with herpes who chased me around on her shag carpeting.  But I told the editor I would limit this ride to four pages.  Next time I promise to dig deeper.  I’m not sure why I chose to recall these pink twisted memories… to me they’re entertaining… and perhaps significant?

Max Barrie is a writer and artist currently based in Los Angeles. The son of screenwriters, Michael Barrie and Sally Robinson, Max was born and raised in Beverly Hills, California. With acerbic wit and self deprecating humor, Max documents his life growing up in the shallow, superficial depths of Beverly Hills and the Hollywood machine. In his multiple part autobiographical series, entitled A Trendy Tragedy, Max will explore his bouts with addiction, prostitution and his search for identity in a landscape that is rife with temptation and false ideals. 

 

FOLLOW AUTRE ON INSTAGRAM TO STAY  IN TOUCH: @AUTREMAGAZINE

[Non-Fiction] Snow’s Tight and the Two Whores — Abandoned and Unfinished

       

Snow's Tight and the Two Whores – Abandoned and Unfinished

by Max Barrie

       It’s very difficult for me to take credit for anything unless I royally fuck it up. I’m not special... but based on the feedback I’ve gotten over the years, I do believe I was BORN with a particular skill. And that is the ability to paint pictures with words. So when anyone speaks well of my writing I try to talk them out of it— explaining I have very little to do with my process, usually blaming genetics.

        That said, my therapist is teaching me how to accept compliments and say... “thanks.” She wants me to understand that all of us are born with different abilities... and certainly how we nurture and use these skills is something to take credit for. My ego absolutely agrees... but I’m still digesting the idea. In the meantime I have no problem feeling directly responsible for anything awful. 

The following whorey is true... however, names of people and places have been changed, and TWO crab magnets were combined into ONE to keep things moving.

IMPORTANT: Unless I’m attacked— I do not write to reopen wounds, hurt others or bring about trouble... I don’t have the right to reveal anyone’s story but my own. If you want gossip, I suggest ragmags in any CVS check-out line. If you press me for actual names or details, you’ll find I won’t be helpful.

       I had been drinking and fooling around with an older woman who resembled a melting snowman. She smelled like an antique rug and would keep licking her palms before she stroked my cock. But even with a big buzz going her bushy beaver quickly tipped the scale and I became nauseated... so I made some excuse of why I couldn’t toss it in, then abruptly left her house.  

       When I arrived back at my apartment it was nearly two in the morning. I felt contaminated by the affair, but was too tired to shower. I would probably take more showers if they didn’t involve water... but with my OCD it often becomes Super Hole Sunday. I grabbed an old plate from the kitchen that once belonged to my grandmother. I took the plate into my bathroom and locked the door.

       I began picking apart a rock of cocaine and then chopping it up with my driver’s license— making skinny lines on the plate. I loved lines. It changes with time— the monster inside... he has many faces and many forms. His hope is that one day I won’t recognize him and he’ll be set free. But in this moment we were thick as thieves and it was lines that got his furry penis hard.

        SNORT! The tiny burn, the bitter taste, the drip, licking my fingers, rubbing my gums... the numbness sets in... the blood starts flowing... quickly. In a few minutes the world becomes a nice place to visit and I think I could one day outshine Jake Gyllenhaal if I really set my mind to it. Unfortunately I was too busy doing blow in my bathroom to achieve anything except that.

       If you’ve snorted shit and also inhaled the real deal, then you know what a difference a grade makes. I’m no expert, but this had to be some Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah product. In a few hours I started texting my buddy Red who also happened to sell me this cocaine. I still had plenty left, but wanted more... just in case this cut went out of season.

       Red had been awake for nearly three days smoking meth, and happily agreed to sell me more narcotics if I could pick him up in Bel-Air and drive him to a friend’s apartment by the beach. When I asked him why, he said— to hang out and get more high... he told me I could do the same. It sounded like a brilliant idea. It was 6:00am, although it seemed frightfully bright as I headed east down Sunset Boulevard in my hybrid. There was lots of texting and circling the rich twisted streets beyond the East Gate. The coke was well hidden, but I looked like a Jewish Looney Tune, and now feared being stopped by Bel-Air Patrol. Red’s brilliant plan was suddenly anything but.

       At last I find him hiding out in the open? He hops in my car and we make our way back down to Sunset. I take a right and head west. Being awake for 72 hours and with his high fading, I occasionally had to wake Red from a coma-like-state for simple directions. My cocaine rush was still going strong and suddenly I realized I’d been licking my lips and chin for the past twenty minutes... it’s bizarre... and damp.


Janessa and I knew that any Magic 8-Ball would have predicted jail time. The medics worked on Red in the front seat of my car while she and I stood ten feet back on the sidewalk. Janessa looked away, cried druggie tears and squeezed me tightly... then asked — “Did we do the right thing?” 


       We eventually arrived at this generic apartment complex on the water... it was vast however, and Red couldn’t remember which unit belonged to his friend. We called, but there was no answer... so we walked up and down hallways looking like two lost druggies in search of a Panda Express. I had my drugs in a back pocket, but Red had a whole backpack full of tricks. I was beyond paranoid at this point and tried walking faster than him so it would appear we weren’t together. I’m guessing this wasn’t effective.

        Eventually his friend answered her phone and we made our way to her apartment. We knocked, but no answer... we tried the door... it was open. It was clean and cozy inside, but I could sense trouble and was afraid to sit anywhere but in the living room. I settled on a sofa, relieved to no longer be pacing the hallways. A little black poodle came over to visit me and looked like it had questions. Soon Red walked out of a bedroom accompanied by Janessa...

       If you’re reading this I’ll try not to bore you. When I was a kid I was diagnosed with many different disorders by a whole circus tent full of professional bozos. Looking back I believe most of these quacks were taking my parents and I for a long ride through The Bird Streets. The one diagnosis that may have been correct however was: attention deficit disorder... even now after even writing a few pages, I get restless and assume everybody else is just as bored as I am. Unfortunately, I can’t take ADD medication due to their addictive nature. The non-stimulant stimulants are horse shit.

       I soon learned that Janessa liked to shoot drugs and whore out young women— one of whom was currently sleeping in her bedroom. Red needed rest and bunked up with the young strumpet I hadn’t yet seen. So I’m now left in the living room with this weathered woman and her curious poodle.

       Janessa handed me a bottle of hard liquor, and a paper towel because I still couldn’t stop licking my lips. She also offered me a Zany bar which I pocketed— helps with the comedown from any speedy scenario. As she tried my cocaine, I looked her over. Blonde, busty, overweight... thirty-five going on fifty. Boffing’s on my brain, but my amplified fears quickly quieted my gossipy cock.

       We watched Weekend At Bernie’s on TV... ironically a farce about a rich dead guy, presumably from drugs. Half-way through Janessa received a phone call from a john who was ready to party at 10:00am on a Tuesday— so she went to wake her sleeping beauty in the other room. In a daze, Red stumbled out— toying with his smartphone. The young brunette colored strumpet who follows is called Tobi, and barely acknowledges me.

       Tobi starts off by talking about nothing and then continues on about absolutely nothing... all the while heating up her pookie. She takes a few heavy hits of crystal meth to start her day wrong, douses herself with pumpkin body spray, and leaves to go fuck a dick for a dollar. 

       Red then comes up with his second brilliant idea of the day— breakfast. We all agree that it’s some Einstein shit, but I’m currently the only one with a vehicle. Tobi has taken Janessa’s car. Why we didn’t think to call a cab or hoof it, I don’t remember. None of us were in any condition to get behind the wheel, but Janessa offered to pay for pancakes... and I started thinking that if I played nice and stuffed her with food, she could be stuffed with anything. I agreed to drive. Still a bit jittery, I popped that Xanax— Red grabbed his backpack and the three of us left.

        All buckled up and ready to head out... Red and Janessa now make a “quick fix” their number one priority. They plead with me to give them a few minutes in the back seat. And although I objected to this, ultimately I didn’t know how to refuse them their good time. They got in back where the windows were tinted and I put the car in PARK. Janessa borrowed my phone charger to tie off and Red cooked the heroin in a spoon with a bit of bottled water... then prepared a shot. I had seen people inject drugs before, but this was too close for comfort, so I kept looking out the window. I prayed they wouldn’t miss their veins and bleed on the upholstery. He shot her up first, then took care of himself. As they finished, you could hear their voices soften. I was relieved it was over... but it wasn’t over.

        Red sat shotgun and Janessa stayed in back— resting her head against the door and grinning like The Cheshire Cat in Blunderland. I started to drive. In a few blocks Red passed out and leaned on me. I assumed he was nodding out and pushed him away. He fell forward and his head smacked the glove compartment— at which time he started making a bizarre breathing sound. I was clueless, but Janessa knew... she started yelling his name and then SCREAMING his name and then panicking... he was overdosing.

My mind went blank for 3 seconds!

        In the past because I had reacted to situations instead of acting in situations, I stirred up a lot of trouble. I wanted to think this through and respond appropriately... but analysis was not a luxury Red could afford. I quickly pulled off onto a side street, jumped out of the car and called 911. Not that it would help— I threw his backpack and any other goodies I found into my trunk. There was a sports bar across the way and people were starting to stare. The operator instructed me to check Red’s breathing and keep yelling his name! He was breathing, but I could tell his body was beginning to shut down.

       Emergency vehicles and police soon showed... Janessa and I knew that any Magic 8-Ball would have predicted jail time. The medics worked on Red in the front seat of my car while she and I stood ten feet back on the sidewalk. Janessa looked away, cried druggie tears and squeezed me tightly... then asked— “Did we do the right thing?” After a minute or two, Red shot up like a rocket, eyes wide, almost as if he had emerged from the ocean. He was then taken to a local hospital in an ambulance.

       There were no searches or arrests made, the car wasn’t even impounded. Did I have friends in high places besides Red and Janessa? I gave the authorities all my information, Janessa grabbed Red’s stuff and I dropped her outside the hospital.

        In the middle of the night my phone woke me up. It was Red. He called to inform me that he had given the police false information at the hospital, and that Janessa had disappeared with his backpack.

I’m a bad apple with some edible parts. 


Max Barrie is a writer and artist currently based in Los Angeles. The son of screenwriters, Michael Barrie and Sally Robinson, Max was born and raised in Beverly Hills, California. With acerbic wit and self deprecating humor, Max documents his life growing up in the shallow, superficial depths of Beverly Hills and the Hollywood machine. In his multiple part autobiographical series, entitled A Trendy Tragedy, Max will explore his bouts with addiction, prostitution and his search for identity in a landscape that is rife with temptation and false ideals. 

FOLLOW AUTRE ON INSTAGRAM TO STAY  IN TOUCH: @AUTREMAGAZINE


Her Tongue is History, Her Body a Mystery by Max Barrie

Text by Max Barrie

            This is gonna be a fun story to squeeze…

            My life gets better everyday… because everyday it gets closer to being over.

            And I have an Ab-Fab setup… so why am I constantly twisted up like a bag full of pretzels?  My brilliant parents love me and still bankroll The “Maxccident.”  I have a genius younger sister who continues to raise me via SMS text.  I have friends… HAD friends.  They’re all gone now.  Dead or grown-up or missing.  I’ve had two girlfriends in my life… they both married doctors oddly enough— one still believes I’m a homosexual.  She never really explains.  Maybe she found my bodybuilding mags?!  I kid.  But she suspects I’m closeted.  And believe me… if you saw her - and I told you I broke it off - you might think I craved the ol’ calzone too.  I’ve never made love to a better looking woman than the one who took my virginity at 19… this girl robbed me of my wasted youth on a brown leather sofa.  It was all downhill from there.

            I was once hanging out with a very famous Playboy Playmate and her husband in Sherman Oaks around 2002.  This was before Playboy got dressed and Hugh Hefner legitimately became a bowl of oatmeal.  Anyway, this Playmate’s husband was talking to me about internet porn… and jerkin’ off.  I was in SHOCK because his wife was the hottest woman EVER— what’s this clown doing WWW-ing pussy?  Eventually I would know the truth about people… and certainty says— everybody gets burnt out on everybody.  More so guys growing tired of girls from what I’ve seen.  And that’s a sad fact.  This couple eventually divorced… Que Sera, Sera… the future was mine to see.

            And while I’m not letting women off the hook, I believe in many ways they are more evolved creatures than us.  If you have a penis and you want to build a life with a woman you “love,” you have to look in the mirror and ask yourself— “Am I ready to be better than my biology?  Do I LOVE this person enough to go against my nature from this day forward?”  I’m not really sure what women need to say to themselves in the mirror before they settle up.  I’m not a woman… so I won’t comment.  Being a man has not been pleasant… to say the least.  But from my perspective, there is no greater challenge than being female.  If you “survive” life as a man, in the next life God might give you a vagina.  “You are ready my son, here comes the sideways slice-a-roo.”

            I’m lonely… a lot of us are.  I’m a lonely tortured car-less Beverly Hills toad.  And I miss booze… it was always there… my white knight grinning from across the room.  I can’t say the same about life or people… or Madison Grendel.

            Nobody had seen Maddy at the rehab I had recently checked into.  She was a ghost then and she’s a ghost to this day.  At the time, she was sleeping off a meth binge.  I think it had been nearly six months that she was shooting the snappy stuff into her veins.  LATER THAT YEAR at an Omakase lunch, a mentor of mine said— any person who injects meth into their body truly hates themselves to the very core.  A lot suddenly came clear.  Madison Grendel hated herself and she wanted to leave earth… and I don’t mean in a rocketship.  But like in 1989’s Batman… The Joker created Batman long before Keaton dropped Nicholson into that vat of acid.  A small town and a strict family in Arizona had created Maddy, long before the trouble started.  A product of her environment… aren’t we all.

            One night I was sitting in the living room of this rehab watching shit TV.  This was before Netflix and Hulu muscled their way in.  Suddenly, a tall, thin, black-haired Japanimation character crept into the room in her bare feet.  She was so thin, that she almost didn’t exist— like a shadow.  I watched this 20-something girl grab snacks from the nearby kitchen like she hadn’t eaten since Tuesday.  She probably hadn’t.  She was wearing earbuds to avoid any possible communication.  I didn’t know then, but music marinating her mind would become her signature style.  I would eventually learn that she was so twisted and so tortured, songs temporarily kept her from the darkness.  In moments she disappeared down the hall with her goodies and I didn’t see her again for a couple more days.  When I asked a rehab tech about the mysterious junkie, he told me her name was Maddy.

            Maddy’s hair hung down to her lower back… and she wore clothes that concealed every inch of her body.  Mostly long sleeve shirts and hoodies and sweat pants.  She was on holiday from a hell I couldn’t possibly imagine.  Madison had big beautiful almond shaped eyes and was very soft-spoken, but rarely spoke at all.  She mostly listened to her music, doodled on scratch paper and chain smoked cigarettes.  She would go back and forth between Marlboro Reds and Camel Lights, but never said why.

            Everybody in rehab has a roommate… at least they used to.  It was a common practice to keep people from isolating and to put more heads on beds— fill the joint up.  My roomie was a kid from Manhattan named Conner.  He was probably 19 or 20 at the time.  Anyway, he was immediately taken with the mystery that was Maddy— which was funny because I had assumed he was gay.  Something feminine about him.  Anyway, he started talking to her in free moments, and one night while I was elsewhere, they made out in our room.  Later, Conner found me outside smoking and his lip was bleeding.  Maddy had apparently bitten down a little too hard during their sesh.  But he didn’t give a shit, he was hooked— love at first bite.  After that it was like Maddy had rescued a Labradoodle… she couldn’t get rid of this kid.  But they both seemed pleased with each other’s company and I was pleased that they were pleased.

            In treatment addicts love to hook-up.  Everybody humps in life.  But you throw two dry drunks or sober druggies in a room and they’ll smoke each other, ya dig?  Most everyone who works in recovery or has time in sobriety frowns on sex in the beginning… I don’t.  I used to buy into the bullshit of— you’re either using a dick fix or a magical box as a binky— OR you’re rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.  I was always told I needed to focus on myself, YET I was ALSO TOLD service work was important in sobriety to get me out of myself.  Blah, blah, blah… meanwhile it’s perfectly acceptable to be a pharmaceutical induced chain-smoking zombie.  That’s cool and won’t have any negative consequences.  My point is, people are going to find each other and bang each other… it’s in our nature.  And rebellious anti-authoritative personalities are gonna enjoy doing it that much more in a broom closet.  The whole game of hide-and-fuck is a high in itself.           

            That said, I couldn’t see what was happening to Conner… he was coming apart in Maddy’s hands like stale Play-Doh… day by day… bit by bit… piece by piece.  She didn’t do it for me, so I couldn’t yet understand.  In this life, tunnel vision and lack of insight are a double-barreled shotgun.  At the time neither she nor Conner were really on my radar.  He was a love sick kid and she was some mute popcorn hoe.  In our room at night, Connie would tell me how beautiful Madison was and how her big mouth and long tongue would swallow his lips during their dry hump sessions.  I found this mildly amusing and thought of a cow.  I also learned that Madison would occasionally play with his pecker, but her clothes never came off.  He had never seen the goods unwrapped.  I just assumed she was all scarred up from shooting drugs or that she had caught fire in a meth lab. 

            By the time Maddy left Los Angeles, I had never seen her without her clothes off either.

            Connie looked up to me.  I’m not sure why.  Admiring an older drunk in rehab seems like a step in the wrong direction.  But I was funny and friendly and we would talk shit, and I would make him laugh about sad truths in life— like waking up in the morning.  At the time there were probably fifteen patients total in the facility, and I made some lifelong fans during that stay.  This was my third time in drug rehab and fourth time is treatment. 

            I’m not bragging… believe me, nobody hates Max Barrie more than Max Barrie.  I’m not my taste.  But I often did well in these contained therapeutic environments, especially having been there before.  There was little pressure and lots of downtime— giving me the opportunity to find friends.  I’m often agreeable, empathetic, and usually giggling about something.  And during this particular stay, I wasn’t heavily medicated— which was always a personality plus.  For years the street drugs and booze weren’t the problem.  It was this crap that was prescribed to me by professional nudniks.  Creeps.  My “get well story” was an artist’s journey, but it was often handled like a science experiment.  I would however like to give a special shoutout to Ritalin, which helped me flip the switch on eleventh grade… until I started snorting it.  Feel the burn.

            I didn’t know it yet, but Maddy started to like me.  She began taking her earbuds out and talking to me.  And during group therapy she would say nice things about me.  She knew I was a writer and she showed me some of her journaling and scratch paper doodles… a few times she even wrote me three to four page letters detailing her day and the evil circus between her ears.  Conner didn’t seem to mind that Maddy had taken a liking to me.  He liked me just as much, if not more.  And the fact that he thought I was cool, probably fueled any tiny flame that she felt for me.  Women love noise.  I liked Madison too, but didn’t think about her sexually.  Not really.  Something about her spooked me… maybe the intravenous drug use?  But there was also a lack of emotion.

            Maddy seemed sad right before it was my time to leave.  She shared about it in group.  I was kind of touched, listening to her talk.  I didn’t know that she had felt that much of a connection with me.  Maddy had another ten days left, but would remain in LA for aftercare and sober living.  By this time, she had started to transform a little.  She had gained some weight from all the junk food… there was color in her face, and layers to her skin.  One day she visited a hair salon… and when she came back, that’s when my troubles started.

            She had short black hair, down to her chin now… and with those big windows and full lips… she looked like a “1990 Demi Moore,” but hotter.  Four weeks earlier she was a paper thin pale-faced junkie with bad skin.  Her body even looked better.  The right stuff popped out, everything else stayed in like it was supposed to.  She reminded me of a broken rose.  At last I saw the lovely.

“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."   —Confucius                                                                                         

            Like most men, I usually know if I want HER within seconds of meeting HER.  But with Maddy, I had to wait a month.  And Conner, I didn’t care.  I did care for him, but I was more interested in myself… and now even more interested in Madison.

            I checked out of the rehab and rented a private room at a sober living.  It was basically a three thousand dollar a month closet, but it was all mine.  I soon started getting calls from an unknown number.  When I finally decided to answer, it turned out to be Madison calling.  She wanted to know where I was living and what I was up to.  Then I started running into her at our outpatient program.  She would also phone me more frequently.


"I used to think that ready money made a man, and I wanted to stick out my green prick whenever and wherever possible.  In Hell-A, if you have cash, people smile when they see you.  But they’re disingenuous little devils.  A man is made in the storm of life, once he stops doing childish things and starts helping others. "


            Just like in a book, Maddy was from a screwy strict Catholic family.  And after spending enough time with her, my best guess is she also had a genius level IQ.  She once mentioned in passing that she had been accepted to Harvard, but went to a state school because of a boy she followed… and this boy eventually broke her heart.  She wasn’t street meat off the sidewalk grill… Maddy was well read, well educated and even played the piano like Beethoven.  I mean it was creepy to see this punk chick in a hoodie go at it like a concert pianist.  Bit by bit, piece by piece… some of her story surfaced.

            Her state school sweetheart dumped her sophomore year, and after a long battle with depression, Maddy dropped out.  She was in so much distress, she couldn’t really focus on her studies.  So like all great alcoholics and addicts in training, she said “fuck it.”

—to her strict family

—to her formal education

—to religion, which she never bought into anyway.

            Her parents stopped communicating with her and she started using now and again.  A few pills, some weed, a little blow.  All in the name of a good time and passing the time.  And I empathize.  If you get under the covers with booze and dope, they will eventually turn on you, but unlike a boyfriend or an unforgiving family, a substance will never turn it’s back on you.  And that my friends is the drug rub.  So Maddy started playing around… but more of an opportunist than an addict - at this point - she began selling to pay her way, and to afford the bad habits she enjoyed.  Everyone loves a pretty girl… and one who’s HOLDING trumps a bitch on the runway any day of the week.

            In order to sell more, she became tight with some very bad people and started bringing in real money.  She had contacts in Texas, Arizona, and across the border.  I know what you’re thinking— is this girl for real?  Is Max Barrie full of shit?  And who the hell is Max Barrie?  Honestly, I can’t effectively answer any of those questions.  I’m telling you my version of things and what Maddy conveyed to me during the time that I knew her.  But she could’ve been taking me for a ride, entertaining me, spinning stories that never were.  According to her, she started selling heroin.  She lived alone in an apartment with 3 handguns, 1 shotgun, and a safe full of drugs, just like in the movies.  She even had a pit bull.  And for a few years her life was moving, but never moving forward.  Money kept coming in… but eventually she had to pay the fiddler.

            Any possible tall tales aside,  I knew for a fact that Maddy would meet with a team of attorneys regularly, and I also listened to a few threatening voicemails she got from old “co-workers” back home.  She finally changed her number.

            Both in different sober livings, I picked her up one night and took her out to a birthday party in Hollywood.  The bouncer wouldn’t let us in at first because I was wearing sweatpants.  Never mind that they were seven-hundred dollar sweatpants from Maxfield.  So I did the unthinkable… I told the gatekeeper who I was and who was celebrating their birthday that night.  A few minutes later we got in.  After the party, Maddy and I went to see some awful horror movie in Century City.  Like we were in 7th grade, I took her hand during a spooky Scooby-Doo moment.  We kissed.  I finally understood what Conner had been talking about.  Her mouth was the Batcave and her tongue nearly took me down.  I didn’t mention anything that night, but I would eventually call her on it.  Still, she would always refuse to display her big pink taster.  I asked to see it many times.

            Like Conner, I gradually started to become infatuated with Maddy.  Part of it was that she soon became hard to reach, which is always exciting.  Speaking of Conner, he found out I was fooling around with Maddy.  He asked me why I would do something like that?  He thought we were friends.  I felt bad, we were friends… sort of, but isn’t this how friends treat each other?  It was how most “friends” had always treated me… as an afterthought.  Conner soon flew back to New York.  I heard he relapsed, but I can’t be sure.  He changed his number and wasn’t on Facebook.  Anyway, fuck him.  No, fuck you, Max.  I’m sorry I hurt you, Connie.  Women have always been so few and far between that when one gave the go-ahead, I didn’t think about anything or anyone else.

            I had some funds at the time… maybe my sweatpants gave it away?  I had been working before I landed in treatment, and had recently inherited six figures.  So I was spending a lot, acting like a big shot.  I used to think that ready money made a man, and I wanted to stick out my green prick whenever and wherever possible.  In Hell-A, if you have cash, people smile when they see you.  But they’re disingenuous little devils.  A man is made in the storm of life, once he stops doing childish things and starts helping others.  If you’re lucky enough to strike gold, like I did at birth, be very careful, but be generous.  If you’re blowing money left and right to feed your fickle beasts, you’re missing the point.

            I took Maddy to Nobu for dinner, as well a handful of other pricey establishments.  I bought her a birthday necklace at Chrome Hearts.  She even got a little emotional, saying she couldn’t remember the last time anyone bought her anything.  We both lived in sober livings, so I wasn’t allowed to play with her ass indoors.  There was a lot of making-out in my car.  Up front in a donut shop parking lot… in the backseat, parked along PCH.  I kept trying to toss it in, but she would never get undressed.  I still hadn’t slept with her yet.  Now don’t I look silly?  Thats my specialty.  A lot of embracing one another and intense drama and even a couple mediocre blow-jobs.  But that about summed it up.

            I eventually got us a suite at The Beverly Hills Hotel and we ordered room service and crawled under the covers to watch a movie.  Surely, this would be a thigh opening experience for her.  But she refused to get undressed… and sometimes when I touched her, she would tremble.  Because I’m an asshole, I cracked jokes about her having a cock that she didn’t want me to find… that’s when she told me a horror story.

            Last year she was robbed, beat-up and BRUTALLY SEXUALLY ASSAULTED by two guys she knew back home.  I can still hear her say those three words to me— “Brutally Sexually Assaulted.”  And even though I didn’t have CSI evidence, I believed her.  Talking about it, Maddy looked like her insides had been kicked out through her stomach.  She wouldn’t say much more… other than she knew the two guys who robbed and raped her, and she didn’t call the police because of the line of work she was in.  She also mentioned that since it happened she couldn’t get undressed without having a panic attack.  So showers were quick, mirrors were covered, and sex was difficult to say the least.

            After the attack, Madison’s addiction really took hold.  “Casual” became “tragical.”  She started regularly smoking meth, didn’t sleep for days, even got sloppy with work… eventually she started shooting the drugs.  All pookie and no cliche makes Jack a dull boy.  This went on for months.  Maddy was originally only trying to cope, but eventually it became a kamikaze mission.  She canceled her insurance, stopped paying bills, gave away belongings… like when Nick Cage’s character went to Vegas.  But before her credits could roll, the DEA knocked on her door with a number of charges.  Possession, distribution, trafficking, you name it.  However, the authorities told her it could all be a bad dream if she helped them.  That’s when Maddy lawyered up, flew out to Cali, and landed in rehab with me.

            I started to have nightmares and daymares about the guys who attacked Madison.  I replayed a brutal assault in my mind that I knew nothing about, over and over… I pictured horrible evil Pulp Fictiony things.  Whatever images you conjure up while you’re reading this are sufficient, as mine certainly were for me.

            I started to lose myself, and only think and breathe about Madison… rescuing her and avenging her horrible attack, then the two of us running away together.  I soon told her I loved her and she told me the same.  And in some warped and twisted reality, we probably did love each other.  It just wasn’t the kind of love that came with a white picket fence or stood the test of time.  And then she’d disappear more often, or not return my messages… so I’d break things off… and then she’d come back crying and give me head… and we’d start over just as soon as I finished.  When Maddy was around I would only think about her leaving, and when she wasn’t around I would wonder where she was.  During the worst of it, nothing helped.  I was stone cold sober and emotionally invested in the wind.  It was a lot like being on drugs.

            Anger, shame and selfishness gripped me in it’s tiny claw.  I was furious with those two guys who raped Maddy.  I also was angry at her for “letting it happen???”  I was upset that I couldn’t fuck her because what did that say about me?  And then I piled on the shame for thinking such selfish disgusting thoughts… and what did THAT say about me?!  If I could have shot fireballs out of my eyes, this would’ve been the time.  Also, fuck the DEA for arresting her.  Fuck the lawyers who were billing her.  Fuck the recovery community for making us sneak around.  Fuck Conner for being a butt pirate and relapsing. 

            Wherever I pointed my finger, it didn’t really matter.  There were always three pointing back.  Oh, ok, maybe this is why the recovery community frowns on newly sober people dating?

            When the new year arrived, Maddy and I had officially stopped getting together.  And that’s when I melted into a pile of clothes and slime.  I thought about suicide and I even thought about homicide… however anything I thunk was in bed.  I could barely get up to take a leak.  My version of a Porta-Potty was some of those red plastic keg cups on my dresser.  I rarely left my sober living, but when I did come up for air, I’d get horribly paranoid.  I would think I saw Madison nearby or that her car was following me, or that my friends were fucking her… or not fucking her?  I’m not sure what’s worse.

            You go to rehab to stop drinking and using drugs… at least I did.  Pretty much everything else is none of anybody’s business as long as I’m not hurting myself or someone else.  You could certainly make the argument that Maddy and I were hurting one another.  Because even though we grew into each other, we were the last thing each other needed.  But whether the sobriety scene put their guns in the ground or not, this relationshit happened… and so will others.

            The best advice I got in the middle of all this was from a certain compassionate witness who always wore a hat.  He had seen it all and been through it all.  And he didn’t talk at me, he sat and listened to what I had to say.  And when I finished, he paused… then spoke, “I’m not Nostradamus and can’t predict the future, buddy.  Any Rehab and Juliet romance will either work or it won’t… this may be a good thing OR it may not.”  And that was all.  There was no judgement… so I could hear him… and because I could hear him, I could digest.  He then explained how common rape and trauma were… he threw out frightening statistics and said that many female victims knew the men who assaulted them.

            My very first girlfriend I met in a drug rehab.  She’s the one who took my virginity at 19.  We were together for nearly three years.

            The only difference between rape and murder is— with rape, the victim bleeds out over a lifetime.  Madison went back to Arizona and I never saw her or spoke to her again.  At some point we texted… maybe a year later… and I learned she had a legitimate day job and had relapsed again on meth.  Don’t know what happened with her legal problems.  She wouldn’t say. 

            I burned a kid who looked up to me and soon after I became a caricature of him.  With time, I snapped out of my love sick craziness and it morphed into something else… I also started fucking Alexis— a tiny tattooed grunge girl who lived in my sober living.  She granted me vagina access, and was great at sucking cock and even better at swallowing, if that’s possible?  The antidote really is the poison.


Max Barrie is a writer and artist currently based in Los Angeles. The son of screenwriters, Michael Barrie and Sally Robinson, Max was born and raised in Beverly Hills, California. With acerbic wit and self deprecating humor, Max documents his life growing up in the shallow, superficial depths of Beverly Hills and the Hollywood machine. In his multiple part autobiographical series, entitled A Trendy Tragedy, Max will explore his bouts with addiction, prostitution and his search for identity in a landscape that is rife with temptation and false ideals. 

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